Holey Crap! Yes, I know that it's spelled wrong, that was intentional. And it seems to be one of my favorite sayings right now-I dunno why. Anyway, it's in reference to time slipping through my fingers lately. I haven't written much recently, even in my paper journals, like my day journal-what I did today, etc.
I have been spending all the time I can with books, haunting the local libraries, waiting for ILL(inter-library loan) books to arrive, going repeatedly to Amazon and a few other sites to see how much some of them(books) will cost, and reading voraciously. Some of the books, I only read a few sections till I discover that they're not what I'm looking for, and there are some that I will have to renew, just to get all I can out of them until I can order them online. Being small town and kinda broke right now-sucks!! And being small town also means that there aren't alot of outlets available to me for inspiration and guidance, except for those books. I can live with that, as it also means that I have to be more self-directed in what I'm doing and that is a lesson in and of itself. Holy Crap! I feel like I'm back in school! lol
A couple of the books are 'the only guide you'll ever need to conquer low self-esteem'(not), but do have some ideas that I've taken and reworked to suit my purposes. One that I've been working on is to choose one word, like fear. Set a timer for 10 minutes, and just begin writing whatever comes into your head regarding this word as it relates to your own life. You don't really have the time to edit, pick and choose the just right words, so more of the honest emotions come through. I've gotten some very interesting insights as a result of this exercise.
There are the intellectual and logical ways to approach things and then there are my emotional thoughts that interfere or override those logical thoughts. For example sending an e-mail or making a phone call to share a thought.
Logical way of thinking: Oh, I should e-mail so and so, or I'd like to call whoever.
Emotional self: Well, I'm sure they're busy and I don't want to interrupt their day. I don't want to bother them with something that really isn't that important.
As a result of listening to that little inner voice(emotional self) I've become very inept socially. I sit in the background and just keep quiet and watch others. I've become very withdrawn. I don't know how to be in the middle of things and feel that I have anything to contribute. I doubt myself, don't want to embarrass myself or others.
I know there are several things that factor into my problems and that it will take me quite awhile to work through all of it, but I feel like I'm on the right track. I'm actually becoming involved in doing a few other things as well, I'm learning to meditate-deep meditation, mindfulness meditation. Yep, got a book for that.
I'm reading about yoga, actually already have a mat, but never started to practice. I'd like to take a couple classes-they do offer that at the community center-if I can fit it into my work schedule, or rearrange it for this fall, get a DVD or 2.
I'm trying to make more time to exercise, walk, eat healthier. I let myself go, because the inner voice says-"nobody's going to notice, so why bother?" See, I know better, but it's(the emotional thoughts) been listened to for so long, that it has a very strong influence. I have to learn to not listen, to rebel-to make the effort, if for no one but myself. I think this may one of those uphill parts of the journey, simply because I have to convince myself of that self-worth, that doing things for "me" is OKAY. As I bring myself to a better physical place, I'm hoping that the emotional voice will follow, once it sees that I'm not listening quite as intently, it'll cut me some slack.
Well, this entry is getting too long. So, I'll close it for now, and will try to come back alittle more often so that I don't feel like writing a book length entry when I am here. :)
<3 Leigh
The important thing is that you remain in movement, continuing in the right direction. Very good stuff to watch. Keep it up, Missy.
ReplyDeleteHey lady... I'm gradually adding back to my alert list. Wanted you to know you're back on now. Sorry I was away for so long. With school and my health I was just getting overwhelmed with stuff. I'm starting from scratch here so it might take a few entries for me to catch on but I'm HERE!
ReplyDeleteXO,
MJ
great changes you are doing in your life and its good you are taking the time to think things through and to see what you need to do to make the changes needed to get you where you want to go/be; that is awesome!!!
ReplyDeletebetty
It sounds to me you are on the right track to bettering yourself and to making yourself a better person in the most important person's eyes to you, and that is YOU! Keep being the best person you can be to yourself and things will always be brighter. Have a happy Sunday. Luv ya!
ReplyDeleteAllison
This is kind of weird, I've been going through something similar. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteAlibris is another good source for used books. They aren't big on descriptions though. I often read the descriptions and reviews on Amazon and then go to Alibris to look for the best deal.
Dear Leigh, I think that we are all victims of our negative inner voices at times. May you continue to believe in your self-worth and give yourself permission to treasure who you are. I think that you are very brave to be willing to indulge in self-introspection. You're moving forward and that's all that any of us can ask of ourselves.--Sheria
ReplyDeleteSo Leigh, you sond likie me. Books, books, ideas, ideas, self-knowledge, self-knowledge, practice, practice. curiosoty about this and that, Writing fast on a singletopic is good practice because it opens up the imagination. I could say a lot more but I would end up writing a comment longer than your journal entry. DB
ReplyDeleteAnother rule to add to the timed writing exercises is to not allow your pen to stop, don't worry about grammar - but you can't pick the pen up off the page. I had to do several of these in therapy. You would be amazed what you write without thinking about sentence structure, grammar, spelling errors.
ReplyDeleteI've been were you are my dear friend. I isolated myself within my home and silence when I first became deaf. It's a lonely world and soon you begin to yearn for that voice, that touch, that compassion from another human being. I'm here for you dearest friend. Email me anytime to talk, scream, whatever.
Another way to gain reading material for whatever you want to read is the internet. It's free and available. (Hugs)Indigo