Monday, June 1, 2009

Only the name has changed

I think I've done this right. I didn't want to start a whole new one, so I decided to change the name of this journal(blog). It's got the old address still, so don't be confused. In a way it's very appropriate, it incorporates both the new outlook and the original concept. And I didn't really want to lose the previous posts and the lessons therein.

It's the first day of a brand new month. If you could have one wish come true this month, what would it be?


In all the reading I've done lately that is the central basis. The foundation to build up from. And an idea that I struggle with. When I look in the mirror, I am disappointed in the woman I see before me. Even when I look beyond the outer shell to the true self. I see a woman who has very little self worth. This is who I have to learn to accept.

I have let fears and insecurity set up roadblocks on the path I wish to travel for the rest of my life. I find myself in a limbo of hesitance, to the point that I don't believe in myself enough to do the things in my life that would bring me joy, fulfillment, happiness. I hide, even from myself, that which makes me unique and loved by the universe.

My wish for self-acceptance is in seeing all the flaws and scars for what they are, as lessons not to be forgotten. Looking at myself in the mirror with the knowledge and hope that all is not lost, but only paused while I heal the scars, while I look at the flaws and devise ways to improve and learn from them.

My wish for self-acceptance is for seeing that I am not "less than", just "different than". That I am worthy of self-care, self-love. That I can't base my life on what I think others think of me, or what would please others, but what I think of myself-that if I don't like what I see in myself, I am the only one whose opinion matters, the only one with the power to change it.

::deep breath:: I may not be able to, or maybe shouldn't want to, remove the battlescars of a life not lived well enough or honored enough by myself. I need them to remind me of where I come from, who I am now, and who I desire to mold myself into in the future.

My wish for self-acceptance comes with some painful truths, truths that cannot be altered for the past, but are the lessons of self-respect and determination to grow from for my future.

When I look in the mirror today, I see a woman who has not taken care of her body, her mental health, her spirit as well as she should have. A woman who can only take the misshapen clay and slowly begin to remold it into the vision that rests in the deep recesses of my mind.

In a Tarot reading I did the other day, I asked "What do I need to know right now?" The first card drawn represents my present circumstances in my quest for knowledge. I drew the 6 of Cups reversed(upside down). In short, the divinatory meaning is that "when the 6 of Cups appears reversed, it indicates that you absolutely refuse to let go of the past. You try to cling to old customs and habits when they no longer have any meaning or benefit."

It's time to leave those habits and beliefs that no longer serve me behind. It's going to be a long month of honest self evaluation and acceptance of who I am now. And of who I can become.

Tomorrow I'll tell you why I've chosen the dragonfly to represent who I am, my life.