Monday, April 2, 2012

It's Been A While!

I've decided to come back to this blog after over two years without a post, but I think it's time to gather my thoughts here once again.

I suck at journaling most of the time. I mean to, have a few beautiful books to write in, pens I'm comfortable with, but when it comes right down to it, no words. Besides, I type way faster than I can write by hand. Now, I need an outlet to capture the words rushing through my head. It was a tossup between this and my tarot journal, but since there's much more than tarot going on, I'll use this one.

So, how have things been for the last 2 1/2 years? It's been Life with all its vagaries, twists and turns, surprises and not-so-surprising events. More on that later.....maybe. *shrugs*

The thing I wanted to capture today was a dream I had. It's very unusual for me to remember much of anything I dream, so when I do remember, it's something I need to pay attention to.

The basics-
I'm living in hotel rooms.
I have/wear a man's watch, large, ornate, antique.
I go places with lots of people....malls, restaurants, etc., but I'm always alone.
In one place I see the spirit of a client that recently passed away, but she says absolutely nothing to me.
OH! I associate that watch with her deceased husband, but I know he didn't(in real life) wear a watch like that.
And that's about all I can think of. I didn't write it down when I first got up....(note to self)keep a dream journal by my bed....nature's call was much more insistent!

And that's about it for now. I need breakfast and have a "to do list" sitting on the table next to me that demands attention. It's been so long, I'll have to come back and revisit my old posts, see where I was then compared where I am now.


Monday, June 1, 2009

Only the name has changed

I think I've done this right. I didn't want to start a whole new one, so I decided to change the name of this journal(blog). It's got the old address still, so don't be confused. In a way it's very appropriate, it incorporates both the new outlook and the original concept. And I didn't really want to lose the previous posts and the lessons therein.

It's the first day of a brand new month. If you could have one wish come true this month, what would it be?


In all the reading I've done lately that is the central basis. The foundation to build up from. And an idea that I struggle with. When I look in the mirror, I am disappointed in the woman I see before me. Even when I look beyond the outer shell to the true self. I see a woman who has very little self worth. This is who I have to learn to accept.

I have let fears and insecurity set up roadblocks on the path I wish to travel for the rest of my life. I find myself in a limbo of hesitance, to the point that I don't believe in myself enough to do the things in my life that would bring me joy, fulfillment, happiness. I hide, even from myself, that which makes me unique and loved by the universe.

My wish for self-acceptance is in seeing all the flaws and scars for what they are, as lessons not to be forgotten. Looking at myself in the mirror with the knowledge and hope that all is not lost, but only paused while I heal the scars, while I look at the flaws and devise ways to improve and learn from them.

My wish for self-acceptance is for seeing that I am not "less than", just "different than". That I am worthy of self-care, self-love. That I can't base my life on what I think others think of me, or what would please others, but what I think of myself-that if I don't like what I see in myself, I am the only one whose opinion matters, the only one with the power to change it.

::deep breath:: I may not be able to, or maybe shouldn't want to, remove the battlescars of a life not lived well enough or honored enough by myself. I need them to remind me of where I come from, who I am now, and who I desire to mold myself into in the future.

My wish for self-acceptance comes with some painful truths, truths that cannot be altered for the past, but are the lessons of self-respect and determination to grow from for my future.

When I look in the mirror today, I see a woman who has not taken care of her body, her mental health, her spirit as well as she should have. A woman who can only take the misshapen clay and slowly begin to remold it into the vision that rests in the deep recesses of my mind.

In a Tarot reading I did the other day, I asked "What do I need to know right now?" The first card drawn represents my present circumstances in my quest for knowledge. I drew the 6 of Cups reversed(upside down). In short, the divinatory meaning is that "when the 6 of Cups appears reversed, it indicates that you absolutely refuse to let go of the past. You try to cling to old customs and habits when they no longer have any meaning or benefit."

It's time to leave those habits and beliefs that no longer serve me behind. It's going to be a long month of honest self evaluation and acceptance of who I am now. And of who I can become.

Tomorrow I'll tell you why I've chosen the dragonfly to represent who I am, my life.


Monday, May 11, 2009

A forgotten find.

While I was rummaging through my car trunk the other day, cleaning things out a bit, I found a book that I had picked up at the thrift store, and forgotten about. I took it to the lake with me today.

There's something so relaxing about sitting by the lake, reading, with only the sound of the waves and birdsong for background music. One of my favorite summer pastimes.

Anyway, this book couldn't have shown up at a better time. It's titled "Wherever You Go, There You Are. Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life." by Jon Kabat-Zinn. The first lines in the introduction blew me away.

"Guess what? When it comes right down to it, wherever yo go, there you are. Whatever you wind up doing, that's what you've wound up doing. Whatever you are thinking right nowm, that's what's on your mind. Whatever has happened to you, it has already happened. The important question is, who are you going to handle it? In other words, "Now what?" "

"In every moment, we find ourselves at the crossroad of here and now." ....

And it goes on to explain what mindfulness is, and how meditation helps to be more aware of that here and now.

This has just become my main lakeside reading material for the start of the summer. Ill be practicing the mindfulness meditations, as well. I'm really looking forward to getting into this book. It's another one of those cosmic smacks on the forehead for me. Have book and notebook, will travel....


Sunday, May 10, 2009

Overcoming Negativity

This an interesting topic on a message board I'm a member of. It's asking members for the ways that they(we) handle negative thinking.

This is one of my most serious issues. I really do know how to wallow in negative thinking. And of course I know better...

Anyway, one of the replies really intrigues me. The poster said that the negative emotions hold a purpose. They serve as an impetus to examine what is going on in her life more closely as there is something going on that creates these emotions. Her goal in life is to be a happy person for the most part, and when she's not, she asks herself why.

"Why do I want to feel negative. Why do I want to feel pissed. Why do I want to feel depressed. When I take ownership for my emotions...reminding myself I feel the way I do because it is my CHOICE to feel that way, it spins the perspective a bit. I examine why I feel the way I do and it forces me to be much more honest with myself."

I'll be looking at my emotions more closely and from a whole different angle from now on. The trick is to "do" something with/about those emotions.

My lesson for the day-well, one of them anyway...


Saturday, May 9, 2009


I don't remember mine. It's strange. I know I must dream at night, but I can never remember anything when I wake up in the morning. And it bothers me.

Maybe I should count myself lucky. That also means no nightmares. I just think it's odd.

I can't blame sleep problems, I sleep well at night. I rarely wake in the middle of the night, except for the occasional trip to the bathroom. I don't toss and turn, usually waking on the same side I fall asleep on. I wake naturally in the morning. The only days I have to set the alarm is when I work an early shift, then I get up at 4:30am, giving myself plenty of time for coffee before that early shift. That's only 2 mornings out of the month.

I generally sleep about 6 or 7 hours, and don't feel the need for a nap during the day, so I'm getting enough sleep.

When I was a child, I would talk in my sleep, and for a few years, had some sleepwalking incidents. According to my father, I would get up and turn on the lights and TV, making enough noise to wake him. He'd lead me back to bed and turn everything off. Now, this was back in the 1960's when the only thing on in the middle of the night was static or a test pattern.

So why can't I remember anything when I wake up? It's disappointing, and puzzling.

The last dream I remember was over 7 years ago. I was napping with my head on my arms on the kitchen table. Back then I did suffer from not getting enough sleep, and had long stressful days. The only reason I remember the dream is because I was riding a bicycle in Traverse City. Up and down hills, lost and trying to find my way among all the one way streets that this city was notorious for. A real driving nightmare(no pun intended). I have no idea where I was going or why, and I was alone. That's it.

It would be interesting to set up a noise activated tape recorder to see if anything does happen and what exactly. Maybe I snore. I don't think so. No one has ever accused me of snoring.

If you have any theories, leave me a comment.....

I'm befuddled!


Friday, May 8, 2009

Link, Schmink Sorry!

I'm trying the link for the Poteskey Stone this way:

ETA: Yay It Worked!


It's a good thing I unplugged last night when I did. 10 minutes later a lightening strike caused the power to go off for a few seconds. Just enough to send my clock back to flashing 12:ooam. My laptop was safely unplugged just in the nick of time. ::whew::

In working out things to do posts on for this journal, I started thinking about the things to be proud of myself for-some of my personal positives. It sounds like a good topic to work on. A way to push the negative self-critic into the background for a while, so I started a basic list of points to include.

Pause for some drawer cleaning out-the dreaded "junk" drawer we all have, somewhere. Mine is the small top drawer of one of those plastic storage units. Most often filled with odds and ends that get tossed on top of my desk-when I need to clean it off. An odd earring, spare reading glasses, padlock key, a necklace that I picked up at the thrift store to tear apart and reuse the beads from, a receipt, a note to myself, just stuff.

In there, I found a Petoskey Stone that I had picked up on one of my walks. I want to learn how to polish it. That got me thinking about things I'd like to do or learn to do. More things to add to my list.

Getting distracted, I stop to go online, forget that I want to look up the Poteskey Stone and go to Google Reader, to check out some of the blogs I read periodically. In one of them(I don't remember which one) this web site was mentioned. 43 Things. I wrote it down. I haven't really gone to read the whole concept of the site, yet. But basically, it's about making lists of things you want to do, want to learn, can do, etc.

Talk about smacking me in the forehead with a sign! The Goddess is saying, "Hey, look here for some answers." That's some pretty positive energy coming at me. I'm not going to ignore it, I promise.

I know that I need to concentrate on good things in my life, and there are many. Good qualities in my personality, talents, accomplishments. These are not often acknowledged by me.

It's so much easier to listen to that little negative critic. Especially on days when I'm feeling sorry for myself. Those days when I think of all the things that I can't do because of finances right now. Plans that I've made for 3 summers, that won't happen this year, either. I could be irresponsible and enjoy myself, but the consequences could really hurt me. So summer doesn't look like it's going to be much fun.

Anyway, I'm going to check this site out, maybe do a list or 2, and I'll share the results here.

11:55pm on Day 8. ::whew::