I've decided to come back to this blog after over two years without a post, but I think it's time to gather my thoughts here once again.
I suck at journaling most of the time. I mean to, have a few beautiful books to write in, pens I'm comfortable with, but when it comes right down to it, no words. Besides, I type way faster than I can write by hand. Now, I need an outlet to capture the words rushing through my head. It was a tossup between this and my tarot journal, but since there's much more than tarot going on, I'll use this one.
So, how have things been for the last 2 1/2 years? It's been Life with all its vagaries, twists and turns, surprises and not-so-surprising events. More on that later.....maybe. *shrugs*
The thing I wanted to capture today was a dream I had. It's very unusual for me to remember much of anything I dream, so when I do remember, it's something I need to pay attention to.
The basics-
I'm living in hotel rooms.
I have/wear a man's watch, large, ornate, antique.
I go places with lots of people....malls, restaurants, etc., but I'm always alone.
In one place I see the spirit of a client that recently passed away, but she says absolutely nothing to me.
OH! I associate that watch with her deceased husband, but I know he didn't(in real life) wear a watch like that.
And that's about all I can think of. I didn't write it down when I first got up....(note to self)keep a dream journal by my bed....nature's call was much more insistent!
And that's about it for now. I need breakfast and have a "to do list" sitting on the table next to me that demands attention. It's been so long, I'll have to come back and revisit my old posts, see where I was then compared where I am now.
Namaste
Monday, April 2, 2012
Monday, June 1, 2009
Only the name has changed
I think I've done this right. I didn't want to start a whole new one, so I decided to change the name of this journal(blog). It's got the old address still, so don't be confused. In a way it's very appropriate, it incorporates both the new outlook and the original concept. And I didn't really want to lose the previous posts and the lessons therein.
It's the first day of a brand new month. If you could have one wish come true this month, what would it be?
Self-acceptance.
In all the reading I've done lately that is the central basis. The foundation to build up from. And an idea that I struggle with. When I look in the mirror, I am disappointed in the woman I see before me. Even when I look beyond the outer shell to the true self. I see a woman who has very little self worth. This is who I have to learn to accept.
I have let fears and insecurity set up roadblocks on the path I wish to travel for the rest of my life. I find myself in a limbo of hesitance, to the point that I don't believe in myself enough to do the things in my life that would bring me joy, fulfillment, happiness. I hide, even from myself, that which makes me unique and loved by the universe.
My wish for self-acceptance is in seeing all the flaws and scars for what they are, as lessons not to be forgotten. Looking at myself in the mirror with the knowledge and hope that all is not lost, but only paused while I heal the scars, while I look at the flaws and devise ways to improve and learn from them.
My wish for self-acceptance is for seeing that I am not "less than", just "different than". That I am worthy of self-care, self-love. That I can't base my life on what I think others think of me, or what would please others, but what I think of myself-that if I don't like what I see in myself, I am the only one whose opinion matters, the only one with the power to change it.
::deep breath:: I may not be able to, or maybe shouldn't want to, remove the battlescars of a life not lived well enough or honored enough by myself. I need them to remind me of where I come from, who I am now, and who I desire to mold myself into in the future.
My wish for self-acceptance comes with some painful truths, truths that cannot be altered for the past, but are the lessons of self-respect and determination to grow from for my future.
When I look in the mirror today, I see a woman who has not taken care of her body, her mental health, her spirit as well as she should have. A woman who can only take the misshapen clay and slowly begin to remold it into the vision that rests in the deep recesses of my mind.
In a Tarot reading I did the other day, I asked "What do I need to know right now?" The first card drawn represents my present circumstances in my quest for knowledge. I drew the 6 of Cups reversed(upside down). In short, the divinatory meaning is that "when the 6 of Cups appears reversed, it indicates that you absolutely refuse to let go of the past. You try to cling to old customs and habits when they no longer have any meaning or benefit."
It's time to leave those habits and beliefs that no longer serve me behind. It's going to be a long month of honest self evaluation and acceptance of who I am now. And of who I can become.
Tomorrow I'll tell you why I've chosen the dragonfly to represent who I am, my life.
~Namaste~
It's the first day of a brand new month. If you could have one wish come true this month, what would it be?
Self-acceptance.
In all the reading I've done lately that is the central basis. The foundation to build up from. And an idea that I struggle with. When I look in the mirror, I am disappointed in the woman I see before me. Even when I look beyond the outer shell to the true self. I see a woman who has very little self worth. This is who I have to learn to accept.
I have let fears and insecurity set up roadblocks on the path I wish to travel for the rest of my life. I find myself in a limbo of hesitance, to the point that I don't believe in myself enough to do the things in my life that would bring me joy, fulfillment, happiness. I hide, even from myself, that which makes me unique and loved by the universe.
My wish for self-acceptance is in seeing all the flaws and scars for what they are, as lessons not to be forgotten. Looking at myself in the mirror with the knowledge and hope that all is not lost, but only paused while I heal the scars, while I look at the flaws and devise ways to improve and learn from them.
My wish for self-acceptance is for seeing that I am not "less than", just "different than". That I am worthy of self-care, self-love. That I can't base my life on what I think others think of me, or what would please others, but what I think of myself-that if I don't like what I see in myself, I am the only one whose opinion matters, the only one with the power to change it.
::deep breath:: I may not be able to, or maybe shouldn't want to, remove the battlescars of a life not lived well enough or honored enough by myself. I need them to remind me of where I come from, who I am now, and who I desire to mold myself into in the future.
My wish for self-acceptance comes with some painful truths, truths that cannot be altered for the past, but are the lessons of self-respect and determination to grow from for my future.
When I look in the mirror today, I see a woman who has not taken care of her body, her mental health, her spirit as well as she should have. A woman who can only take the misshapen clay and slowly begin to remold it into the vision that rests in the deep recesses of my mind.
In a Tarot reading I did the other day, I asked "What do I need to know right now?" The first card drawn represents my present circumstances in my quest for knowledge. I drew the 6 of Cups reversed(upside down). In short, the divinatory meaning is that "when the 6 of Cups appears reversed, it indicates that you absolutely refuse to let go of the past. You try to cling to old customs and habits when they no longer have any meaning or benefit."
It's time to leave those habits and beliefs that no longer serve me behind. It's going to be a long month of honest self evaluation and acceptance of who I am now. And of who I can become.
Tomorrow I'll tell you why I've chosen the dragonfly to represent who I am, my life.
~Namaste~
Monday, May 11, 2009
A forgotten find.
While I was rummaging through my car trunk the other day, cleaning things out a bit, I found a book that I had picked up at the thrift store, and forgotten about. I took it to the lake with me today.
There's something so relaxing about sitting by the lake, reading, with only the sound of the waves and birdsong for background music. One of my favorite summer pastimes.
Anyway, this book couldn't have shown up at a better time. It's titled "Wherever You Go, There You Are. Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life." by Jon Kabat-Zinn. The first lines in the introduction blew me away.
"Guess what? When it comes right down to it, wherever yo go, there you are. Whatever you wind up doing, that's what you've wound up doing. Whatever you are thinking right nowm, that's what's on your mind. Whatever has happened to you, it has already happened. The important question is, who are you going to handle it? In other words, "Now what?" "
"In every moment, we find ourselves at the crossroad of here and now." ....
And it goes on to explain what mindfulness is, and how meditation helps to be more aware of that here and now.
This has just become my main lakeside reading material for the start of the summer. Ill be practicing the mindfulness meditations, as well. I'm really looking forward to getting into this book. It's another one of those cosmic smacks on the forehead for me. Have book and notebook, will travel....
~Namaste~
There's something so relaxing about sitting by the lake, reading, with only the sound of the waves and birdsong for background music. One of my favorite summer pastimes.
Anyway, this book couldn't have shown up at a better time. It's titled "Wherever You Go, There You Are. Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life." by Jon Kabat-Zinn. The first lines in the introduction blew me away.
"Guess what? When it comes right down to it, wherever yo go, there you are. Whatever you wind up doing, that's what you've wound up doing. Whatever you are thinking right nowm, that's what's on your mind. Whatever has happened to you, it has already happened. The important question is, who are you going to handle it? In other words, "Now what?" "
"In every moment, we find ourselves at the crossroad of here and now." ....
And it goes on to explain what mindfulness is, and how meditation helps to be more aware of that here and now.
This has just become my main lakeside reading material for the start of the summer. Ill be practicing the mindfulness meditations, as well. I'm really looking forward to getting into this book. It's another one of those cosmic smacks on the forehead for me. Have book and notebook, will travel....
~Namaste~
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Overcoming Negativity
This an interesting topic on a message board I'm a member of. It's asking members for the ways that they(we) handle negative thinking.
This is one of my most serious issues. I really do know how to wallow in negative thinking. And of course I know better...
Anyway, one of the replies really intrigues me. The poster said that the negative emotions hold a purpose. They serve as an impetus to examine what is going on in her life more closely as there is something going on that creates these emotions. Her goal in life is to be a happy person for the most part, and when she's not, she asks herself why.
"Why do I want to feel negative. Why do I want to feel pissed. Why do I want to feel depressed. When I take ownership for my emotions...reminding myself I feel the way I do because it is my CHOICE to feel that way, it spins the perspective a bit. I examine why I feel the way I do and it forces me to be much more honest with myself."
I'll be looking at my emotions more closely and from a whole different angle from now on. The trick is to "do" something with/about those emotions.
My lesson for the day-well, one of them anyway...
~Namaste~
This is one of my most serious issues. I really do know how to wallow in negative thinking. And of course I know better...
Anyway, one of the replies really intrigues me. The poster said that the negative emotions hold a purpose. They serve as an impetus to examine what is going on in her life more closely as there is something going on that creates these emotions. Her goal in life is to be a happy person for the most part, and when she's not, she asks herself why.
"Why do I want to feel negative. Why do I want to feel pissed. Why do I want to feel depressed. When I take ownership for my emotions...reminding myself I feel the way I do because it is my CHOICE to feel that way, it spins the perspective a bit. I examine why I feel the way I do and it forces me to be much more honest with myself."
I'll be looking at my emotions more closely and from a whole different angle from now on. The trick is to "do" something with/about those emotions.
My lesson for the day-well, one of them anyway...
~Namaste~
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Dreams
I don't remember mine. It's strange. I know I must dream at night, but I can never remember anything when I wake up in the morning. And it bothers me.
Maybe I should count myself lucky. That also means no nightmares. I just think it's odd.
I can't blame sleep problems, I sleep well at night. I rarely wake in the middle of the night, except for the occasional trip to the bathroom. I don't toss and turn, usually waking on the same side I fall asleep on. I wake naturally in the morning. The only days I have to set the alarm is when I work an early shift, then I get up at 4:30am, giving myself plenty of time for coffee before that early shift. That's only 2 mornings out of the month.
I generally sleep about 6 or 7 hours, and don't feel the need for a nap during the day, so I'm getting enough sleep.
When I was a child, I would talk in my sleep, and for a few years, had some sleepwalking incidents. According to my father, I would get up and turn on the lights and TV, making enough noise to wake him. He'd lead me back to bed and turn everything off. Now, this was back in the 1960's when the only thing on in the middle of the night was static or a test pattern.
So why can't I remember anything when I wake up? It's disappointing, and puzzling.
The last dream I remember was over 7 years ago. I was napping with my head on my arms on the kitchen table. Back then I did suffer from not getting enough sleep, and had long stressful days. The only reason I remember the dream is because I was riding a bicycle in Traverse City. Up and down hills, lost and trying to find my way among all the one way streets that this city was notorious for. A real driving nightmare(no pun intended). I have no idea where I was going or why, and I was alone. That's it.
It would be interesting to set up a noise activated tape recorder to see if anything does happen and what exactly. Maybe I snore. I don't think so. No one has ever accused me of snoring.
If you have any theories, leave me a comment.....
I'm befuddled!
~Namaste~
Maybe I should count myself lucky. That also means no nightmares. I just think it's odd.
I can't blame sleep problems, I sleep well at night. I rarely wake in the middle of the night, except for the occasional trip to the bathroom. I don't toss and turn, usually waking on the same side I fall asleep on. I wake naturally in the morning. The only days I have to set the alarm is when I work an early shift, then I get up at 4:30am, giving myself plenty of time for coffee before that early shift. That's only 2 mornings out of the month.
I generally sleep about 6 or 7 hours, and don't feel the need for a nap during the day, so I'm getting enough sleep.
When I was a child, I would talk in my sleep, and for a few years, had some sleepwalking incidents. According to my father, I would get up and turn on the lights and TV, making enough noise to wake him. He'd lead me back to bed and turn everything off. Now, this was back in the 1960's when the only thing on in the middle of the night was static or a test pattern.
So why can't I remember anything when I wake up? It's disappointing, and puzzling.
The last dream I remember was over 7 years ago. I was napping with my head on my arms on the kitchen table. Back then I did suffer from not getting enough sleep, and had long stressful days. The only reason I remember the dream is because I was riding a bicycle in Traverse City. Up and down hills, lost and trying to find my way among all the one way streets that this city was notorious for. A real driving nightmare(no pun intended). I have no idea where I was going or why, and I was alone. That's it.
It would be interesting to set up a noise activated tape recorder to see if anything does happen and what exactly. Maybe I snore. I don't think so. No one has ever accused me of snoring.
If you have any theories, leave me a comment.....
I'm befuddled!
~Namaste~
Friday, May 8, 2009
Link, Schmink Sorry!
I'm trying the link for the Poteskey Stone this way:
http://www.boynecounty.com/poteskey-stone-73/
ETA: Yay It Worked!
http://www.boynecounty.com/poteskey-stone-73/
ETA: Yay It Worked!
Syncronicities
It's a good thing I unplugged last night when I did. 10 minutes later a lightening strike caused the power to go off for a few seconds. Just enough to send my clock back to flashing 12:ooam. My laptop was safely unplugged just in the nick of time. ::whew::
In working out things to do posts on for this journal, I started thinking about the things to be proud of myself for-some of my personal positives. It sounds like a good topic to work on. A way to push the negative self-critic into the background for a while, so I started a basic list of points to include.
Pause for some drawer cleaning out-the dreaded "junk" drawer we all have, somewhere. Mine is the small top drawer of one of those plastic storage units. Most often filled with odds and ends that get tossed on top of my desk-when I need to clean it off. An odd earring, spare reading glasses, padlock key, a necklace that I picked up at the thrift store to tear apart and reuse the beads from, a receipt, a note to myself, just stuff.
In there, I found a Petoskey Stone that I had picked up on one of my walks. I want to learn how to polish it. That got me thinking about things I'd like to do or learn to do. More things to add to my list.
Getting distracted, I stop to go online, forget that I want to look up the Poteskey Stone and go to Google Reader, to check out some of the blogs I read periodically. In one of them(I don't remember which one) this web site was mentioned. 43 Things. I wrote it down. I haven't really gone to read the whole concept of the site, yet. But basically, it's about making lists of things you want to do, want to learn, can do, etc.
Talk about smacking me in the forehead with a sign! The Goddess is saying, "Hey, look here for some answers." That's some pretty positive energy coming at me. I'm not going to ignore it, I promise.
I know that I need to concentrate on good things in my life, and there are many. Good qualities in my personality, talents, accomplishments. These are not often acknowledged by me.
It's so much easier to listen to that little negative critic. Especially on days when I'm feeling sorry for myself. Those days when I think of all the things that I can't do because of finances right now. Plans that I've made for 3 summers, that won't happen this year, either. I could be irresponsible and enjoy myself, but the consequences could really hurt me. So summer doesn't look like it's going to be much fun.
Anyway, I'm going to check this site out, maybe do a list or 2, and I'll share the results here.
11:55pm on Day 8. ::whew::
~Namaste~
In working out things to do posts on for this journal, I started thinking about the things to be proud of myself for-some of my personal positives. It sounds like a good topic to work on. A way to push the negative self-critic into the background for a while, so I started a basic list of points to include.
Pause for some drawer cleaning out-the dreaded "junk" drawer we all have, somewhere. Mine is the small top drawer of one of those plastic storage units. Most often filled with odds and ends that get tossed on top of my desk-when I need to clean it off. An odd earring, spare reading glasses, padlock key, a necklace that I picked up at the thrift store to tear apart and reuse the beads from, a receipt, a note to myself, just stuff.
In there, I found a Petoskey Stone that I had picked up on one of my walks. I want to learn how to polish it. That got me thinking about things I'd like to do or learn to do. More things to add to my list.
Getting distracted, I stop to go online, forget that I want to look up the Poteskey Stone and go to Google Reader, to check out some of the blogs I read periodically. In one of them(I don't remember which one) this web site was mentioned. 43 Things. I wrote it down. I haven't really gone to read the whole concept of the site, yet. But basically, it's about making lists of things you want to do, want to learn, can do, etc.
Talk about smacking me in the forehead with a sign! The Goddess is saying, "Hey, look here for some answers." That's some pretty positive energy coming at me. I'm not going to ignore it, I promise.
I know that I need to concentrate on good things in my life, and there are many. Good qualities in my personality, talents, accomplishments. These are not often acknowledged by me.
It's so much easier to listen to that little negative critic. Especially on days when I'm feeling sorry for myself. Those days when I think of all the things that I can't do because of finances right now. Plans that I've made for 3 summers, that won't happen this year, either. I could be irresponsible and enjoy myself, but the consequences could really hurt me. So summer doesn't look like it's going to be much fun.
Anyway, I'm going to check this site out, maybe do a list or 2, and I'll share the results here.
11:55pm on Day 8. ::whew::
~Namaste~
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Some Ponderings
After the last couple entries, I've considered dropping this journal from the 31/31 challenge. I may have taken on too much. Trying to come up with material for 2 blogs on a daily basis is more of a challenge than I had pictured.
I don't want my posts to be just empty rambling. Yet, when I sit down to compose my entries in this blog, the words freeze up. Refuse to come together in an understandable fashion. Stubborn words...and I'm having a difficult time sorting out the feelings that I'm trying to express. I'm even having trouble right now with just getting this much out. There's a thunderstorm close by, and I had to post this before I have to shut down and unplug. Just a little more pressure to complete my mission. I don't do my best work when I have to hurry.
So, with apologies on giving up for tonight, I'll just close by saying...
~Namaste~
I don't want my posts to be just empty rambling. Yet, when I sit down to compose my entries in this blog, the words freeze up. Refuse to come together in an understandable fashion. Stubborn words...and I'm having a difficult time sorting out the feelings that I'm trying to express. I'm even having trouble right now with just getting this much out. There's a thunderstorm close by, and I had to post this before I have to shut down and unplug. Just a little more pressure to complete my mission. I don't do my best work when I have to hurry.
So, with apologies on giving up for tonight, I'll just close by saying...
~Namaste~
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Clarification
Last night, when I was struggling to compose my entry, I was feeling like a misfit. I've felt that way for most of my life.
Humans are, by nature, social creatures. Most everywhere you go there are groups of 2 or more people with common interests or goals, doing things together, having fun.
I don't really have anyone in my life to share my interests with. I've settled(for lack of a better term) on solitary pursuits. I do like my alone time, don't get me wrong. A good book, walking in nature-with just those creatures that are at home there, are just a few of the things that I crave to stimulate my mind and soothe my soul.
I think that is part of the reason I don't seem to be able to define who I am. I can't really attach myself to any particular group label. I don't fit in anywhere.
Does this make any more sense than what I was trying to convey last night?
Well, you say, just go out and find others with the same interests. There are many things that hold me back. Shyness and financial issues, are just a few of the main things.
I've got some time today to ponder on this some more. I need to get ready to leave for work, now. I'll come back with my thoughts this evening.
~Namaste~
Humans are, by nature, social creatures. Most everywhere you go there are groups of 2 or more people with common interests or goals, doing things together, having fun.
I don't really have anyone in my life to share my interests with. I've settled(for lack of a better term) on solitary pursuits. I do like my alone time, don't get me wrong. A good book, walking in nature-with just those creatures that are at home there, are just a few of the things that I crave to stimulate my mind and soothe my soul.
I think that is part of the reason I don't seem to be able to define who I am. I can't really attach myself to any particular group label. I don't fit in anywhere.
Does this make any more sense than what I was trying to convey last night?
Well, you say, just go out and find others with the same interests. There are many things that hold me back. Shyness and financial issues, are just a few of the main things.
I've got some time today to ponder on this some more. I need to get ready to leave for work, now. I'll come back with my thoughts this evening.
~Namaste~
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Finding Me
Your challenge, should you decide to accept it, is to learn how to be yourself. Be authentic.
There haven't been very many times in my life when I've been confident enough in myself to do this. I've spent so much of my life trying to be what others expected, and felt that I just didn't measure up, that I've lost my sense of true self. The search has been a difficult one.
Even now, when I'm single with no real responsibility for anyone else's well-being, I'm looking to others for my cues.
When I first moved back to Michigan, I had spent so many years alone-as in no real friendships or relationships with my husbands family or even my husband-that I was dying inside of loneliness. I thought I could find a way to be included, if I could just be what others were. That hasn't worked out so well.
I wanted to be part of the gang, included in things, conversations, plans. Yet, when I was included, it's like I wasn't really there, a peripheral part of the scene, an extra in a movie. Conversations would center around people and events that I had no knowledge of, so I couldn't participate.
My work schedule usually precluded me from being involved in holiday activites or parties, to the point that they(the people I'm surrounded by) don't even inform me of their plans anymore. The few times I've tried to make friends, asked someone to coffee or whatever, just haven't happened. I've just quit trying.
So, where do I go from here? If I don't fit in, and I have no one else's expectations to guide my behavior, what's left? Okay, I'm having trouble explaining this.
What does this have to do with being authentic? Well, I don't know who I'm supposed to be now.
This is one of those entries that I need to work on some more. I'm wearing out the backspace key, because things just aren't coming out to make much sense. I'm having a real problem expressing this in terms that don't just sound pathetic.
I will try this again at a later date, when I've scribbled and erased several pages of scattered thoughts into some sort of coherency. I just couldn't delete this-I wouldn't have an entry for today if I did.
~Namaste~
There haven't been very many times in my life when I've been confident enough in myself to do this. I've spent so much of my life trying to be what others expected, and felt that I just didn't measure up, that I've lost my sense of true self. The search has been a difficult one.
Even now, when I'm single with no real responsibility for anyone else's well-being, I'm looking to others for my cues.
When I first moved back to Michigan, I had spent so many years alone-as in no real friendships or relationships with my husbands family or even my husband-that I was dying inside of loneliness. I thought I could find a way to be included, if I could just be what others were. That hasn't worked out so well.
I wanted to be part of the gang, included in things, conversations, plans. Yet, when I was included, it's like I wasn't really there, a peripheral part of the scene, an extra in a movie. Conversations would center around people and events that I had no knowledge of, so I couldn't participate.
My work schedule usually precluded me from being involved in holiday activites or parties, to the point that they(the people I'm surrounded by) don't even inform me of their plans anymore. The few times I've tried to make friends, asked someone to coffee or whatever, just haven't happened. I've just quit trying.
So, where do I go from here? If I don't fit in, and I have no one else's expectations to guide my behavior, what's left? Okay, I'm having trouble explaining this.
What does this have to do with being authentic? Well, I don't know who I'm supposed to be now.
This is one of those entries that I need to work on some more. I'm wearing out the backspace key, because things just aren't coming out to make much sense. I'm having a real problem expressing this in terms that don't just sound pathetic.
I will try this again at a later date, when I've scribbled and erased several pages of scattered thoughts into some sort of coherency. I just couldn't delete this-I wouldn't have an entry for today if I did.
~Namaste~
Monday, May 4, 2009
Confession.
There are days I just don't know what to talk about. This is one of them. And to be honest, I didn't take the time to prepare anything.
I've got some topic ideas for this blog, but I need to organize my thoughts, and make some notes, before I share. I feel like I've got homework.
All kidding aside, I think I'm going to enjoy the challenge of writing every day, and for me, it will be just that. I've got to develop the habit of working on fleshing out entries-oh oh, another habit to work on....
I just don't find my life all that interesting. Or maybe eventful would be a better description. I don't have a career that I can discuss, which also limits the people I can talk about. No kids at home to share anecdotes about. Son has even been kind of quiet lately, but I know he's in the final days of classes and has alot of work to do. No vacations, or boyfriends, or dramas unfolding...I don't know, that may be a good thing... I'm just pretty boring.
And that's where the challenge comes into play. How do I fill the page with the type of things that will peak a reader's curiosity to return...tune in tomorrow for the current bird sightings...
But in a way, those are the things that are most important to me. Living a quiet life that allows me to stand at a window and gaze at the antics of the birds, squirrels and chipmunks for a few minutes. Noticing that the lily-of-the-valley are finally starting to sprout, I can't wait to smell the delicate fragrance of those little bells. Hanging clothes out on the line, how blue the sky was today, and simple things that often escape notice.
At this point, even if no one came here to read, I've got to prove to myself that I can do this. Now that I'm 4 days in, I'm feeling pretty proud of myself for making it this far. And over the next 27 days, who knows what changes we'll see in my style, my thought processes, my skills at taking "not much" and turning it into an entry. It's early days, yet!
~Namaste~
I've got some topic ideas for this blog, but I need to organize my thoughts, and make some notes, before I share. I feel like I've got homework.
All kidding aside, I think I'm going to enjoy the challenge of writing every day, and for me, it will be just that. I've got to develop the habit of working on fleshing out entries-oh oh, another habit to work on....
I just don't find my life all that interesting. Or maybe eventful would be a better description. I don't have a career that I can discuss, which also limits the people I can talk about. No kids at home to share anecdotes about. Son has even been kind of quiet lately, but I know he's in the final days of classes and has alot of work to do. No vacations, or boyfriends, or dramas unfolding...I don't know, that may be a good thing... I'm just pretty boring.
And that's where the challenge comes into play. How do I fill the page with the type of things that will peak a reader's curiosity to return...tune in tomorrow for the current bird sightings...
But in a way, those are the things that are most important to me. Living a quiet life that allows me to stand at a window and gaze at the antics of the birds, squirrels and chipmunks for a few minutes. Noticing that the lily-of-the-valley are finally starting to sprout, I can't wait to smell the delicate fragrance of those little bells. Hanging clothes out on the line, how blue the sky was today, and simple things that often escape notice.
At this point, even if no one came here to read, I've got to prove to myself that I can do this. Now that I'm 4 days in, I'm feeling pretty proud of myself for making it this far. And over the next 27 days, who knows what changes we'll see in my style, my thought processes, my skills at taking "not much" and turning it into an entry. It's early days, yet!
~Namaste~
Sunday, May 3, 2009
A New Habit
No, not nuns habits, forming a better way of living your life, like exercising every day, or shaking the procrastination demon.
They-I don't remember who they are exactly-say that it takes 21 days to form a new habit. Changing the way you do something, or doing something new, so that it becomes a natural part of your routine.
I am trying to break my procrastination tendencies. Sending the storage payment before the last minute, leaving for work early enough so that when I get behind 30-mile-an-hour-granny it doesn't make me 5 minutes late. Which seems to be the norm for me. That 5 minutes.
Nope, don't tell me to set my clock ahead 5 minutes, I'll know and subtract that 5 minutes off the time shown-I've tried that. I really have to force myself to plan to be ready 5 minutes earlier. I have a bad habit of waiting till the last minute to make my lunch, or fix my to-go coffee, or find my shoes. Little things that create that 5 minute gap.
One of my problems is that I don't wear a watch(it gets in the way at work), and I'm not real swift at keeping an eye on the clock. Even when I'm working. I'll be doing something and look up and see that an hour has vanished, or I'm past sign out time.
Hmm...see what all I just wrote? This isn't "just" about procrastination, it's about awareness of time, too. Making this more complex. Would that be one habit or two? lol
Take last Wednesday for example. My Wednesday morning client is the only one I have that is a stickler about my being there on time. I did leave for work on time to drive the 20 minutes to arrive at 9am. Till I got up to the county truck that was working on road patching, so I slowed down for him. Thankfully! A couple hundred yards past him, while I was speeding back up, there were 3 deer. One crossing the road and 2 well off to my right side yet. I began to brake, watching the 2 off to the side. They weren't the problem, the one that was on the other side came back across and "bumped" my right front fender. She wasn't hurt, barely missed a step, didn't even leave a hair on my fender. I had to stop for a couple minutes and regain my composure. Poof-5 minutes late. I did call ahead to let them know I'd be a few minutes late, but that 5 minutes has become the bane of my existence!
I am now working on being on time, watching the clock closer, and not waiting for the last minute to do things like scrape the frost off my windshield-yeah, we had frost this morning.
I just hope that I don't have to start the 21 day countdown over every time I mess up-I'll never reach that new habit nirvana......
I think the procrastination is going to be a little tougher. I've penciled in deadlines for things a couple days ahead of time on my purse planner and the calendar in my room. I do consult these most everyday, so this should help. I carry a notepad around so that I can jot things down, like calling to schedule my TB test-but I haven't managed to get that in my calendar and the few times I've remembered it on my own are times the health dept. is closed. (I just now wrote it down for tomorrow morning)
I may have to add getting myself more organized to the time/procrastination habit situation, which just complicates things that much more. I think I'll just stop before I scare myself....
~Namaste~
They-I don't remember who they are exactly-say that it takes 21 days to form a new habit. Changing the way you do something, or doing something new, so that it becomes a natural part of your routine.
I am trying to break my procrastination tendencies. Sending the storage payment before the last minute, leaving for work early enough so that when I get behind 30-mile-an-hour-granny it doesn't make me 5 minutes late. Which seems to be the norm for me. That 5 minutes.
Nope, don't tell me to set my clock ahead 5 minutes, I'll know and subtract that 5 minutes off the time shown-I've tried that. I really have to force myself to plan to be ready 5 minutes earlier. I have a bad habit of waiting till the last minute to make my lunch, or fix my to-go coffee, or find my shoes. Little things that create that 5 minute gap.
One of my problems is that I don't wear a watch(it gets in the way at work), and I'm not real swift at keeping an eye on the clock. Even when I'm working. I'll be doing something and look up and see that an hour has vanished, or I'm past sign out time.
Hmm...see what all I just wrote? This isn't "just" about procrastination, it's about awareness of time, too. Making this more complex. Would that be one habit or two? lol
Take last Wednesday for example. My Wednesday morning client is the only one I have that is a stickler about my being there on time. I did leave for work on time to drive the 20 minutes to arrive at 9am. Till I got up to the county truck that was working on road patching, so I slowed down for him. Thankfully! A couple hundred yards past him, while I was speeding back up, there were 3 deer. One crossing the road and 2 well off to my right side yet. I began to brake, watching the 2 off to the side. They weren't the problem, the one that was on the other side came back across and "bumped" my right front fender. She wasn't hurt, barely missed a step, didn't even leave a hair on my fender. I had to stop for a couple minutes and regain my composure. Poof-5 minutes late. I did call ahead to let them know I'd be a few minutes late, but that 5 minutes has become the bane of my existence!
I am now working on being on time, watching the clock closer, and not waiting for the last minute to do things like scrape the frost off my windshield-yeah, we had frost this morning.
I just hope that I don't have to start the 21 day countdown over every time I mess up-I'll never reach that new habit nirvana......
I think the procrastination is going to be a little tougher. I've penciled in deadlines for things a couple days ahead of time on my purse planner and the calendar in my room. I do consult these most everyday, so this should help. I carry a notepad around so that I can jot things down, like calling to schedule my TB test-but I haven't managed to get that in my calendar and the few times I've remembered it on my own are times the health dept. is closed. (I just now wrote it down for tomorrow morning)
I may have to add getting myself more organized to the time/procrastination habit situation, which just complicates things that much more. I think I'll just stop before I scare myself....
~Namaste~
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Tick, Tick, Tick!
Nothing like waiting till the last minute. I had a fairly long entry planned for tonight, but have to retire early. I'll be up before the rooster for a 6:30am shift in the morning, and if I don't get at least 6 hours of sleep, I'm kind of cranky. So, I'm just going to wing it.
I had a discussion yesterday, that left me feeling a bit unsettled. This person I know is going through some tough medical issues. Facing possible dangerous surgery, but a good future if the treatments and surgery are successful. Has a friend that wants to develop a more serious romantic relationship. Is wanting to push this friend away, to avoid the friend from being hurt, should things take a turn for the worst. Asked my opinion. Wants my advice.
Wow, how do you respond to that? I know that the friend is well aware of all the medical issues, all the factors, the dangers of the surgery, possible disabilities. And wants to pursue a relationship anyway. I also know that the friend is a strong, logical, compassionate person.
Truthfully, this medical situation will, most likely, have a very positive outcome. I can understand wanting to spare someone from the pain and heartache of finding love and losing it too soon. But is it right to make that kind of decision for someone else? Is it selfish? Noble?
When I married my husband, I knew that he had Multiple Sclerosis. I did my homework, learned all I could about the disease, what the worst case scenario could be. I made the decision to commit to a very uncertain future. For love. I think that's why my opinion was requested.
The only advice I gave was to give it some more consideration. To talk openly and honestly about all the fears and doubts, before making any final decisions. Why do you want to go through this alone? Would having a relationship make a difference in your ability to continue to fight for life? If you reject this possible love, and things turn out for the best, what then? It'll be too late for this relationship.
It stirred up some painful memories and regrets for me. Brought some of my demons back to the forefront. I'll be doing battle with them again.
It's bedtime. Oh, and by the way, the ice cream is awesome-I love brown sugar.
~Namaste~
I had a discussion yesterday, that left me feeling a bit unsettled. This person I know is going through some tough medical issues. Facing possible dangerous surgery, but a good future if the treatments and surgery are successful. Has a friend that wants to develop a more serious romantic relationship. Is wanting to push this friend away, to avoid the friend from being hurt, should things take a turn for the worst. Asked my opinion. Wants my advice.
Wow, how do you respond to that? I know that the friend is well aware of all the medical issues, all the factors, the dangers of the surgery, possible disabilities. And wants to pursue a relationship anyway. I also know that the friend is a strong, logical, compassionate person.
Truthfully, this medical situation will, most likely, have a very positive outcome. I can understand wanting to spare someone from the pain and heartache of finding love and losing it too soon. But is it right to make that kind of decision for someone else? Is it selfish? Noble?
When I married my husband, I knew that he had Multiple Sclerosis. I did my homework, learned all I could about the disease, what the worst case scenario could be. I made the decision to commit to a very uncertain future. For love. I think that's why my opinion was requested.
The only advice I gave was to give it some more consideration. To talk openly and honestly about all the fears and doubts, before making any final decisions. Why do you want to go through this alone? Would having a relationship make a difference in your ability to continue to fight for life? If you reject this possible love, and things turn out for the best, what then? It'll be too late for this relationship.
It stirred up some painful memories and regrets for me. Brought some of my demons back to the forefront. I'll be doing battle with them again.
It's bedtime. Oh, and by the way, the ice cream is awesome-I love brown sugar.
~Namaste~
Friday, May 1, 2009
Day #1
I've noticed that in my life when things bother me, when I'm faced with some of my deeper feelings, I tend to stop writing, stop acknowledging those feelings on an outer level.
Taking up the challenge of writing a blog post every day for 30(31for May) days will grant me the opportunity to examine some of those issues here. Even in my paper journal, I manage to gloss over some of these feeling, just leaving them out, or hiding them from even myself.
When I first started this particular journal, this was my intention. To get some of those feelings out into the open. I haven't exactly been successful at doing that. In fact, I stopped writing here and in my other blog completely.
My paper journal has gaps in what is usually a daily habit of recording little odds and ends, events, or whatever. Having some of the deeper feelings leak out, when I wanted them tucked safely away in my deeper psyshe, lead to abandonment of writing about anything.
Lately, I've felt very inadequate-in many areas of my life. I've let procrastination, and an aversion of failure dominate my activities. If I don't try, I can't fail-right?
I've spent the last couple of months just marking time, wanting to begin projects, making plans for doing things, yet just not beginning. The disappointment and shame of this lack of motivation on my part has created a withdrawal from living life. I go out to work each day with a countdown in my head of how many hours till I can just return home-back to my safe little haven of not having to prove anything to anyone, least of all myself.
Watching the changes of the seasons, the beginnings of another spring, the greening and warming of the earth, has me yearning for the energy to move forward. With the months of cold and darkness finally behind me, it's time to shake off the lethargic hibernation and renew myself.
Committing to a daily journal entry or two, is one way for me to start looking closely at why I've allowed myself to stop believing in what I want. I have allowed myself to become complacent and accepting of having given up before the start.
The first day of the month is always a good starting point for new projects, the formation of new habits, the hope of beginnings. Today, being the first day of May, seems like the perfect day to commit myself to stepping out of my winter den of inactivity, of my hole of self-doubt.
I need to go for a walk. I've been putting off putting on my walking shoes and seeing how far I need to go to get myself back physically-I did spend the winter in self-indulgent eating and sitting. So I'm off for now. The fresh air may even blow some of the dust out of my brain cells-I've got alot of writing to do, ya know!
~Namaste~
Taking up the challenge of writing a blog post every day for 30(31for May) days will grant me the opportunity to examine some of those issues here. Even in my paper journal, I manage to gloss over some of these feeling, just leaving them out, or hiding them from even myself.
When I first started this particular journal, this was my intention. To get some of those feelings out into the open. I haven't exactly been successful at doing that. In fact, I stopped writing here and in my other blog completely.
My paper journal has gaps in what is usually a daily habit of recording little odds and ends, events, or whatever. Having some of the deeper feelings leak out, when I wanted them tucked safely away in my deeper psyshe, lead to abandonment of writing about anything.
Lately, I've felt very inadequate-in many areas of my life. I've let procrastination, and an aversion of failure dominate my activities. If I don't try, I can't fail-right?
I've spent the last couple of months just marking time, wanting to begin projects, making plans for doing things, yet just not beginning. The disappointment and shame of this lack of motivation on my part has created a withdrawal from living life. I go out to work each day with a countdown in my head of how many hours till I can just return home-back to my safe little haven of not having to prove anything to anyone, least of all myself.
Watching the changes of the seasons, the beginnings of another spring, the greening and warming of the earth, has me yearning for the energy to move forward. With the months of cold and darkness finally behind me, it's time to shake off the lethargic hibernation and renew myself.
Committing to a daily journal entry or two, is one way for me to start looking closely at why I've allowed myself to stop believing in what I want. I have allowed myself to become complacent and accepting of having given up before the start.
The first day of the month is always a good starting point for new projects, the formation of new habits, the hope of beginnings. Today, being the first day of May, seems like the perfect day to commit myself to stepping out of my winter den of inactivity, of my hole of self-doubt.
I need to go for a walk. I've been putting off putting on my walking shoes and seeing how far I need to go to get myself back physically-I did spend the winter in self-indulgent eating and sitting. So I'm off for now. The fresh air may even blow some of the dust out of my brain cells-I've got alot of writing to do, ya know!
~Namaste~
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Living in Passion
Passion.
Love.
I seem to lack the ability to foster either of those emotions. At least my idealized notion of what they would feel like/or be. Why?
Have I read too many romance novels? Have I created an unrealistic expectation for the intensity of emotion? Have I formed faulty impressions while watching a hockey game, or football game? Have I oversimplified the thought processes? Am I wrong about the motivation behind creating artworks of any form? About the desire to devote the majority of ones waking life to a singular activity, in all its intricacies and variables?
What inner spark drives the fan/aficionado/patron to follow? Knowing they lack the talent/skill to perform the music, place the defining brush stroke on the canvas, don the uniform, they still devote untold amounts of life energy to the appreciation of the passions of others.
What seed is planted and nurtured within, that flourishes and grows into a passion/love of any activity? Or person?
There are times when I question that ability. Knowing that the words on the pages are created to paint the picture of a fictionalized love-does that love, that desire, truly exist in that intensity? That totality of feeling, for whatever that passion exists for? That commitment of self?
The month of February has perennially been a time of introspection for me. It is what I've come to think of as a pause in forward movement for examining my life, playing the what-ifs that don't have a place in my reality. For questioning what I've done, felt, experienced.
February is the month that I was set adrift on the sea of living, without enough knowledge or skills to competently sail ahead.
In 1968, it was a month of tragedy for me. It was my first experience of fate's ability to change the game on a whim, to shake up the status quot. On February 9th, my 8 year old cousin Jeanne was crossing the road to wait for the school bus. She was hit by a car-killed instantly.
I remember the principle's secretary coming into my first period music class to fetch me to the office. My mother had been terminally ill with cancer, had come home to spend her final hours. My thoughts were that she had died after I'd kissed her good-bye and left for school.
The shock and grief that overwhelmed me when I learned of Jeanne's death, were only the beginning. One week later, on February 16th, my mother died. I was as prepared as a 12 year old living with a terminal parent, can be. I was basically left to deal with all of this by myself. I withdrew-my tiny boat had sailed.
I look on that month in that year, and wonder if the ability to love wholly, to believe in something totally, to live passionately, was left behind as unneeded, in my processes to survive, to simply get through life, never to be regained.
Is it at that point I gave away the right to deserve the best in life, to accept "less than" as my only option, to doubt that I was worthy of those emotions, that love, that passion for life?
I know that I've accepted that I've taken life's leftovers, the second or third best, as all I'm due. All I'm capable of finding. I've never really given up totally. Those dreams are tucked back in a corner of memory, to bring out, examine, feel a sense of loss over, and then quietly placed back in that corner, as the realities of my life intrude once again.
There are times however, when I glimpse that passion, that love of life, and feel just the tiniest bit envious.
Why not just change that attitude, that way of viewing life? I don't know how. I don't know how to believe in myself enough to see the other side, to reach forward to the other side of the fence. How, when I look in the mirror, to see something other(better) than what I already am. To imagine anything different. Even though I don't admire the face(or what lies beneath) that looks back at me, I can't reach for enough self-respect, self-caring, to do anything about it.
They say that having self-esteem, self-love, is essential, a prerequisite, before others can see you in that light, before you can truly love others, I imagine that applies to doing things, finding those passions in life.
Love.
I seem to lack the ability to foster either of those emotions. At least my idealized notion of what they would feel like/or be. Why?
Have I read too many romance novels? Have I created an unrealistic expectation for the intensity of emotion? Have I formed faulty impressions while watching a hockey game, or football game? Have I oversimplified the thought processes? Am I wrong about the motivation behind creating artworks of any form? About the desire to devote the majority of ones waking life to a singular activity, in all its intricacies and variables?
What inner spark drives the fan/aficionado/patron to follow? Knowing they lack the talent/skill to perform the music, place the defining brush stroke on the canvas, don the uniform, they still devote untold amounts of life energy to the appreciation of the passions of others.
What seed is planted and nurtured within, that flourishes and grows into a passion/love of any activity? Or person?
There are times when I question that ability. Knowing that the words on the pages are created to paint the picture of a fictionalized love-does that love, that desire, truly exist in that intensity? That totality of feeling, for whatever that passion exists for? That commitment of self?
The month of February has perennially been a time of introspection for me. It is what I've come to think of as a pause in forward movement for examining my life, playing the what-ifs that don't have a place in my reality. For questioning what I've done, felt, experienced.
February is the month that I was set adrift on the sea of living, without enough knowledge or skills to competently sail ahead.
In 1968, it was a month of tragedy for me. It was my first experience of fate's ability to change the game on a whim, to shake up the status quot. On February 9th, my 8 year old cousin Jeanne was crossing the road to wait for the school bus. She was hit by a car-killed instantly.
I remember the principle's secretary coming into my first period music class to fetch me to the office. My mother had been terminally ill with cancer, had come home to spend her final hours. My thoughts were that she had died after I'd kissed her good-bye and left for school.
The shock and grief that overwhelmed me when I learned of Jeanne's death, were only the beginning. One week later, on February 16th, my mother died. I was as prepared as a 12 year old living with a terminal parent, can be. I was basically left to deal with all of this by myself. I withdrew-my tiny boat had sailed.
I look on that month in that year, and wonder if the ability to love wholly, to believe in something totally, to live passionately, was left behind as unneeded, in my processes to survive, to simply get through life, never to be regained.
Is it at that point I gave away the right to deserve the best in life, to accept "less than" as my only option, to doubt that I was worthy of those emotions, that love, that passion for life?
I know that I've accepted that I've taken life's leftovers, the second or third best, as all I'm due. All I'm capable of finding. I've never really given up totally. Those dreams are tucked back in a corner of memory, to bring out, examine, feel a sense of loss over, and then quietly placed back in that corner, as the realities of my life intrude once again.
There are times however, when I glimpse that passion, that love of life, and feel just the tiniest bit envious.
Why not just change that attitude, that way of viewing life? I don't know how. I don't know how to believe in myself enough to see the other side, to reach forward to the other side of the fence. How, when I look in the mirror, to see something other(better) than what I already am. To imagine anything different. Even though I don't admire the face(or what lies beneath) that looks back at me, I can't reach for enough self-respect, self-caring, to do anything about it.
They say that having self-esteem, self-love, is essential, a prerequisite, before others can see you in that light, before you can truly love others, I imagine that applies to doing things, finding those passions in life.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Uncertainty...
Warning-the following entry may be long and ramble a bit, but I've been going through some things and just keeping them hidden, bottled up. I do that. But I have to start talking about them now.
There may be some major changes in my life soon. It has me worried, I'm so unsure of myself right now. My emotions have been all over the place lately, and I've got to get a handle on them. I have some huge decisions to make. Actually, I KNOW what my decisions have to be, but I dread the day I have to voice them. These decisions will, without a doubt, sever my relationship with my brother. But I will have to do this for myself.
Some quick background. When I came back to Michigan, after my husband died and the house was foreclosed(long before the housing mess now), the idea was that since my brother was divorced, I was widowed, we should share expenses, rent together. Okay, cool.
Things went well, we stayed with friends till I got on my feet, we found a house(with the option to buy) and stayed there for 2 years. He hurt his elbow, was off work, was behind in the rent, didn't try to get a mortgage set up before the lease expired, so we moved to this trailer. That was Aug. 2007. Okay, the rent is cheaper, my nephew was living with us, supposedly helping out with the bills, I'm paying $350-$400 a month(actually about 1/2 of what the total should be) life goes on. In May, I find out we're $1200 behind in rent. I'm in shock, increase my share by $100 a month, paid directly to the landlady. Bro is handling the utilities, adding $100-$200 to the rent each month. We're getting caught up slow but sure, life goes on.
He gets laid off in mid-October, tells me it's going to be till the end of the month before he gets his unemployment started, can't pay the utilities, will have to catch them up later. Okay, things will be tight, but we'll be alright. He did some cash work for his boss, got his first check last week, says he's got to catch up some on the utilities, so won't have any to contribute to rent. Well, we'll be okay, we've made good progress, it'll just take longer to get up to date. We have a very nice landlady. He was complaining about the cable bill being so high. Our introductory rate had expired, it's jumped $25 a month. Okay, cancel cable, I'll find internet access on my own.
He's not cancelling it, it's getting shut off! I can't believe how naive I've been about things. How gullible and trusting, how stupid. What a fool! He didn't want to show me the cable bill, said it was in his room, he'd get it out later so I could see it. Hoping I'd forget to ask. Now, I'm not the type of person to snoop into other people's things, their mail, or whatever. But I was curious, the bills were right here on the kitchen table, so I looked. Not only has it gone up $25 a month, it's a month behind. So I continued to snoop. The electric bill is 3 months behind, the natural gas bill is 2. I'm angry!!!
More background-his take home pay was at least $1200 a month plus overtime. Mine $900-$1000. No credit cards, car payments, or loans for either one. I'm paying half of my monthly income in rent and storage unit. He isn't even paying a third of his. I'm more angry!!
I've gone without things, my car needs work, I've done everything I can to make this situation better. He's just skating...
This next part is hard for me to explain. Since my mother died when I was 12, I haven't really had anyone in my life I could depend on. My dad got remarried, his new family took priority, I moved out on my own. When I got married, I thought I'd be part of a family again-that didn't happen(a long story), when I came home I thought finally-family I can depend on. Wrong again.
Back to the decisions. I have to decide whether to just ride this out till the utilities get shut off, or we get the eviction notice, or cut my losses now. If I go now, it will be a real struggle financially for me. My options are limited. A motel room here in town that rents by the month, will let me make weekly payments(utilities included). $350 a month. Or a studio apartment that a friend has(about 20 miles away), that would be less expensive, but a little more driving to and from work. I haven't talked to her about it yet, I want to be more coherent in my thoughts and have my financial picture more in focus. That's about it. If I ride this out, it could be a couple months before things fall apart. I need to get my car fixed, and I could put a little money aside to be more prepared. But in the meantime, I could wake up one morning to no heat or lights.
Whenever it is that I tell Bro that I'm going to live by myself and that I can't worry about him anymore, there will be (guaranteed) a huge arguement, very ugly. He has a tendency to hold heavy grudges-for a very long time. He still trashes his ex-wife(6 years later) on a regular basis. Essentially, my family will decrease to one-Son-400 miles away. Aunt and Uncle, cousins, that aren't really all that close(family ties) but live nearby. I'll be alone, but this area is home, so I'll be staying around here.
Right now it hurts to think about this situation. So, I've been distracting myself with umpteen different projects and not using my time the way I should(packing up for the inevitable). I guess, by finally putting this into words here, I'm taking a step in the right direction. I need to sit down with pen and paper, get my thoughts organized, my things packed up and out to my(seperate) storage unit. I need to take the responsibility to do what I need to for myself. In a way, I'm as bad as he is...not facing things, just letting the situation slide.
But right now, it just hurts. I'm nervous about being out on my own, living alone, too.
There may be some major changes in my life soon. It has me worried, I'm so unsure of myself right now. My emotions have been all over the place lately, and I've got to get a handle on them. I have some huge decisions to make. Actually, I KNOW what my decisions have to be, but I dread the day I have to voice them. These decisions will, without a doubt, sever my relationship with my brother. But I will have to do this for myself.
Some quick background. When I came back to Michigan, after my husband died and the house was foreclosed(long before the housing mess now), the idea was that since my brother was divorced, I was widowed, we should share expenses, rent together. Okay, cool.
Things went well, we stayed with friends till I got on my feet, we found a house(with the option to buy) and stayed there for 2 years. He hurt his elbow, was off work, was behind in the rent, didn't try to get a mortgage set up before the lease expired, so we moved to this trailer. That was Aug. 2007. Okay, the rent is cheaper, my nephew was living with us, supposedly helping out with the bills, I'm paying $350-$400 a month(actually about 1/2 of what the total should be) life goes on. In May, I find out we're $1200 behind in rent. I'm in shock, increase my share by $100 a month, paid directly to the landlady. Bro is handling the utilities, adding $100-$200 to the rent each month. We're getting caught up slow but sure, life goes on.
He gets laid off in mid-October, tells me it's going to be till the end of the month before he gets his unemployment started, can't pay the utilities, will have to catch them up later. Okay, things will be tight, but we'll be alright. He did some cash work for his boss, got his first check last week, says he's got to catch up some on the utilities, so won't have any to contribute to rent. Well, we'll be okay, we've made good progress, it'll just take longer to get up to date. We have a very nice landlady. He was complaining about the cable bill being so high. Our introductory rate had expired, it's jumped $25 a month. Okay, cancel cable, I'll find internet access on my own.
He's not cancelling it, it's getting shut off! I can't believe how naive I've been about things. How gullible and trusting, how stupid. What a fool! He didn't want to show me the cable bill, said it was in his room, he'd get it out later so I could see it. Hoping I'd forget to ask. Now, I'm not the type of person to snoop into other people's things, their mail, or whatever. But I was curious, the bills were right here on the kitchen table, so I looked. Not only has it gone up $25 a month, it's a month behind. So I continued to snoop. The electric bill is 3 months behind, the natural gas bill is 2. I'm angry!!!
More background-his take home pay was at least $1200 a month plus overtime. Mine $900-$1000. No credit cards, car payments, or loans for either one. I'm paying half of my monthly income in rent and storage unit. He isn't even paying a third of his. I'm more angry!!
I've gone without things, my car needs work, I've done everything I can to make this situation better. He's just skating...
This next part is hard for me to explain. Since my mother died when I was 12, I haven't really had anyone in my life I could depend on. My dad got remarried, his new family took priority, I moved out on my own. When I got married, I thought I'd be part of a family again-that didn't happen(a long story), when I came home I thought finally-family I can depend on. Wrong again.
Back to the decisions. I have to decide whether to just ride this out till the utilities get shut off, or we get the eviction notice, or cut my losses now. If I go now, it will be a real struggle financially for me. My options are limited. A motel room here in town that rents by the month, will let me make weekly payments(utilities included). $350 a month. Or a studio apartment that a friend has(about 20 miles away), that would be less expensive, but a little more driving to and from work. I haven't talked to her about it yet, I want to be more coherent in my thoughts and have my financial picture more in focus. That's about it. If I ride this out, it could be a couple months before things fall apart. I need to get my car fixed, and I could put a little money aside to be more prepared. But in the meantime, I could wake up one morning to no heat or lights.
Whenever it is that I tell Bro that I'm going to live by myself and that I can't worry about him anymore, there will be (guaranteed) a huge arguement, very ugly. He has a tendency to hold heavy grudges-for a very long time. He still trashes his ex-wife(6 years later) on a regular basis. Essentially, my family will decrease to one-Son-400 miles away. Aunt and Uncle, cousins, that aren't really all that close(family ties) but live nearby. I'll be alone, but this area is home, so I'll be staying around here.
Right now it hurts to think about this situation. So, I've been distracting myself with umpteen different projects and not using my time the way I should(packing up for the inevitable). I guess, by finally putting this into words here, I'm taking a step in the right direction. I need to sit down with pen and paper, get my thoughts organized, my things packed up and out to my(seperate) storage unit. I need to take the responsibility to do what I need to for myself. In a way, I'm as bad as he is...not facing things, just letting the situation slide.
But right now, it just hurts. I'm nervous about being out on my own, living alone, too.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Welcome to my new home~
As you can see, I've got the basics taken care of. I still have a few boxes laying around, may rearrange things again, well you know how it is.
It'll be time to get back to work here, soon. As I go through the process of adding the finishing touches, I'll be working on some rough drafts and forming my scattered thoughts and emotions into some cohesive entries. I'm looking forward to it.
It's funny, well maybe not funny, how about cathartic-that being thrust into the melee of having to move my journals has awakened my desires to start writing again. Maybe with a more concentrated desire than I've had in quite awhile. I've even taken to carrying a notebook with me to work, to jot down thoughts that race through my head while I do mindless tasks. You don't really have to focus on mopping the floor, now do you?
Change is a very unsettling state for me to be in. My fears raise their ugly heads: but you don't know how to do that, what if you screw this up, you don't want to look stupid, awkward, you haven't bothered to take the time to learn enough of this yet, why haven't you?
My demons! My inner critic, my insecurities, have a habit of making themselves prominent in my mind. I am learning how to talk back to them-"Oh Yeah? Well maybe it's time I did learn, what if I do screw this up, I can try again". And it goes on.
I've got some catching up to do, so I'm closing this entry for now.
<3 Leigh
It'll be time to get back to work here, soon. As I go through the process of adding the finishing touches, I'll be working on some rough drafts and forming my scattered thoughts and emotions into some cohesive entries. I'm looking forward to it.
It's funny, well maybe not funny, how about cathartic-that being thrust into the melee of having to move my journals has awakened my desires to start writing again. Maybe with a more concentrated desire than I've had in quite awhile. I've even taken to carrying a notebook with me to work, to jot down thoughts that race through my head while I do mindless tasks. You don't really have to focus on mopping the floor, now do you?
Change is a very unsettling state for me to be in. My fears raise their ugly heads: but you don't know how to do that, what if you screw this up, you don't want to look stupid, awkward, you haven't bothered to take the time to learn enough of this yet, why haven't you?
My demons! My inner critic, my insecurities, have a habit of making themselves prominent in my mind. I am learning how to talk back to them-"Oh Yeah? Well maybe it's time I did learn, what if I do screw this up, I can try again". And it goes on.
I've got some catching up to do, so I'm closing this entry for now.
<3 Leigh
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Thoughts Swirling~
Yet, I can't seem to transform them into journal entries of any kind. A record of the kaleidoscope of my emotions escapes me. All the colors of my thoughts, the varied shades of feeling just drift, with no canvas to be painted on, for future perusal.
When I was a teenager, I was diagnosed with a mild form of depression-chronic dysthymia. This condition assaults me a couple times a year, lasting from a few weeks to months. During these "flare-ups" my inner life comes to a standstill. I've devoloped the skills to get through the basics of life, go to work, eat, sleep, function normally to all appearances. But activities with any kind of meaning, anything productive in my life, are beyond my abilities.
Logically, I know when I'm depressed-emotionally, I can't drag myself out of it. My mind becomes a maze of negativity and emptiness, that doesn't seem to have an exit. I wander through this maze in an awareness of it, but no map to lead me to the open spaces beyond.
The frustrating thing is that I can feel life slipping by, and yet do nothing to grasp it, nothing to lead to a feeling of accomplishment, progress, evolvement, involvement.
This particular period has left me bereft of the words to express it, to move it along and get past it. It's a new twist. Words have never deserted me this way before. One of the things I've always been able to do is write, sometimes over and over, about my feelings of uselessness during these bouts. I have notebooks with pages and pages full of self-flagellation to prove it. My own worst critic has never been at a loss for words, still running rampant through my head, even as I write this.
Yet this time, till now, I haven't been able to capture them on a page. I'm chaining myself to this venue of expression to write this. My hopes are that, like a pinhole in a dam, these few words will erode the wall, particle by particle, opening a channel for these swirling thoughts to begin flowing again, onto the pages of my life.
I've wasted some beautiful late summer and early fall days in this maze of depression. I regret that. I mourn the fact that they're escaping into the past without my having left a memory on them. Just an emptiness that I haven't been able to fill.
Today is the last nice day, in the forecast, for now. It's turning colder and cloudy at the beginning of the week. I'm going to make an effort to get past the inertia I'm feeling. Take a lunch, blank notebook and pen, to the lake and see if I can't find the words to express some of these swirling thoughts.
<3
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Passions
Question-What are you Passionate about? What makes your world rock? I'm not necessarily talking about sex here, but deep abiding passions. Things in your life that mean "everything".
The definitions that apply, when I looked it up: intense, driving or overmastering feeling or conviction. A strong liking or desire for or devotion to some activity, object, or concept. An object of desire or deep interest.
I've been reading journals, news articles, and witnessing the passionate way some express their views and beliefs in regard to politics. Politics doesn't do it for me. I won't even talk about it with anyone, in depth. In fact, I get downright disgusted by the way politicians attack and belittle each other, twisting the other's words around to look like they mean something completely different. In a very broad sense they lie about each other. Don't I have any opinions about the issues? Of course, I do. I just don't feel a driving need to express them. Truthfully, I don't feel that my opinion would make that much of a difference, or that my actions would make any more than a teeny tiny ripple in the grand scheme of things. (Yes, a tiny ripple is action that leads to more action- in the right places.) But my tiny ripple is confined to a very small area that reaches the shore and just smoothes out.
My son shows great passion in the things he believes, and I envy him that. I hope that he can fulfill his dreams of making a difference in the things he believes so strongly in. I'm discovering that he is becoming a man who thinks outside the box, that cares, that is doing things to change his little corner of the world. I'm very proud of him for that.
I've witnessed the passion for family. The love and devotion to do absolutely everything that it takes for others. Do I have that kind of passion? No. Sadly. At least I don't seem to have it. Yes, I do love my son, brother, etc. But I have actually walked away before. My brother and I were estranged for over 25 years. There are extenuating circumstances and convoluted explanations for why it lasted so long, but are not for this entry.
I spent the day, yesterday, distracting myself with unimportant, useless activities. I just couldn't muster up the physical or emotional energy to do the things I should have and wanted to. So I just piddled the day away. I wrote an entry in I Was Thinking about my day, my life, how quiet and uninteresting it all is. That bothered me and ate at my brain.
Still this morning, it's there. Making a list of things I enjoy, things I might have a passion for las left me with this realization. There just isn't anything that I am that passionate about. It really bothers me. Why? Why isn't there something in my life that means the "all"?
Oh, I have alot of things that I enjoy: reading, watching sports, swimming, crafts(many different things), learning to use the computer. I'm not even passionate about my health, doing everything I can to ensure that I remain as active and strong as I can, for as long as I can.
I've got some real exploring to do here, to try and figure out why. The more digging I do into my life and feelings, the more questions I have and the more elusive the answers become. And honestly, I'm not very proud of the person I am.
If life were ideal, I'd have the time and space and knowledge to be able to figure this all out and change it. A retreat, an extended vacation, a camping trip alone, surrounded by nature.
Maybe I'm spreading myself too thinly, trying to do too many things, keeping an interest in too many things at one time to truly devote myself to what would be most important to me. And I can't even define what that is, other than trying to figure myself out.
::Sigh:: <3 Leigh
Monday, August 25, 2008
Reactions and Emotions
I was actually looking for puzzled in the moods box, but irritated is close enough.
I was in an "almost" car accident last night. I'm okay and so is the car. There's only a dirty spot on the bumper where the car and pick-up truck kind of gently slid together.
I'll explain. I was following the truck into town, reducing speed to the posted 35 mph. The truck put on his left turn signal and started to slow down and enter the turn lane. Then suddenly he veered back into my lane and proceeded to turn to the right, into a side street and driveway for the drug store. I hit the brakes and steered to the right to avoid him, but speed and distance being what they were, he cut me off and the front left bumper of my car kind of rubbed with the rear right panel of the truck. I managed to stop and avoid a collision, he slid right on by and into the parking lot. I sat there for a few seconds-one of the good things about small towns is the lack of traffic-then proceeded to pull around the corner and off to the side of the road to compose myself. I was pretty shaken up.
The guy that was driving the truck came over to the car, knocked on the window, adding to my already shaky condition, as I hadn't seen him. He asked if I was alright and apologized profusely. Several times. Claimed he hadn't seen me in his rearview as I was in his blind spot. Said he didn't think we'd made contact, glanced at my left front panel, and kept apologizing. I just sat there. I couldn't even talk to him. Couldn't even look him in the eye. No damage, no cops, no increase in insurance rates. He finally left.
I sat there a couple minutes and proceeded down the side street to take the back way home. Promptly made a pot of coffee and poured a shot of Southern Comfort into the first couple of cups. And began to analyze my reactions to the whole situation.
I was very Pissed. The jerk was 'So' in the wrong. But I was pissed at myself, too. I had just sat there and held my anger, not expressed the way I felt, not given him a piece of my mind. Why? Why couldn't I even yell at someone who definitely deserved it?
Fear. Fear of being in the wrong, of losing my temper, of showing my true emotions to someone who didn't even matter in the grand scheme of my life. Fear of confrontation.
Logically, there wouldn't have been any point in exploding. No one was hurt, no damage was done to either vehicle. Other than him being an unobservant asshole, there just wasn't any point. But I remember thinking to myself, while he stood there and apologized, just keep your cool, don't say anything you'll regret. Just get him away from the car as quickly as possible. Before you do say something.
And now I'm ashamed to admit that I walk through life with so much fear of it. Fear of rejection, of creating negative feelings, even from a total stranger. I would rather just go through life as unobtrusively as possible, just be an "extra" in the background. I don't want attention focused on me, for any reason. Because of the fear of living life and expressing myself.
I recently read an article in "Yoga Journal" about accepting responsibility for what you bring to each moment and the power of the truth. I've got to go back and reread that article. There's a message in there for me.
I've also started reading "Wherever You Go There You Are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn. Mindfulness meditation in everyday life. I own this book, picked it up at the thrift store for a quarter. It may be the best quarter I've ever spent.
In this cyber existence, I feel that I can be more myself. The anonymity of online communication is perfect for me, I can be here-yet hide. I can express things that I would never have the courage to say to someones face.
Fear. There will be more entries about fear in the days to come. It plays a major role in my personal make-up.
<3
After Marc's comment, I need to add that I did let him know that I was okay, just shaken up, and did accept his first apology. But after that, I just wanted him to go away. I seem to have a "me and my actions and reactions" complex right now. And honestly, I wasn't concerned about whether he was okay or not. Something else to think about here. Thanks, Marc. <3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)