Day #1

I've noticed that in my life when things bother me, when I'm faced with some of my deeper feelings, I tend to stop writing, stop acknowledging those feelings on an outer level.

Taking up the challenge of writing a blog post every day for 30(31for May) days will grant me the opportunity to examine some of those issues here. Even in my paper journal, I manage to gloss over some of these feeling, just leaving them out, or hiding them from even myself.

When I first started this particular journal, this was my intention. To get some of those feelings out into the open. I haven't exactly been successful at doing that. In fact, I stopped writing here and in my other blog completely.

My paper journal has gaps in what is usually a daily habit of recording little odds and ends, events, or whatever. Having some of the deeper feelings leak out, when I wanted them tucked safely away in my deeper psyshe, lead to abandonment of writing about anything.

Lately, I've felt very inadequate-in many areas of my life. I've let procrastination, and an aversion of failure dominate my activities. If I don't try, I can't fail-right?

I've spent the last couple of months just marking time, wanting to begin projects, making plans for doing things, yet just not beginning. The disappointment and shame of this lack of motivation on my part has created a withdrawal from living life. I go out to work each day with a countdown in my head of how many hours till I can just return home-back to my safe little haven of not having to prove anything to anyone, least of all myself.

Watching the changes of the seasons, the beginnings of another spring, the greening and warming of the earth, has me yearning for the energy to move forward. With the months of cold and darkness finally behind me, it's time to shake off the lethargic hibernation and renew myself.

Committing to a daily journal entry or two, is one way for me to start looking closely at why I've allowed myself to stop believing in what I want. I have allowed myself to become complacent and accepting of having given up before the start.

The first day of the month is always a good starting point for new projects, the formation of new habits, the hope of beginnings. Today, being the first day of May, seems like the perfect day to commit myself to stepping out of my winter den of inactivity, of my hole of self-doubt.

I need to go for a walk. I've been putting off putting on my walking shoes and seeing how far I need to go to get myself back physically-I did spend the winter in self-indulgent eating and sitting. So I'm off for now. The fresh air may even blow some of the dust out of my brain cells-I've got alot of writing to do, ya know!

~Namaste~