Warning-the following entry may be long and ramble a bit, but I've been going through some things and just keeping them hidden, bottled up. I do that. But I have to start talking about them now.
There may be some major changes in my life soon. It has me worried, I'm so unsure of myself right now. My emotions have been all over the place lately, and I've got to get a handle on them. I have some huge decisions to make. Actually, I KNOW what my decisions have to be, but I dread the day I have to voice them. These decisions will, without a doubt, sever my relationship with my brother. But I will have to do this for myself.
Some quick background. When I came back to Michigan, after my husband died and the house was foreclosed(long before the housing mess now), the idea was that since my brother was divorced, I was widowed, we should share expenses, rent together. Okay, cool.
Things went well, we stayed with friends till I got on my feet, we found a house(with the option to buy) and stayed there for 2 years. He hurt his elbow, was off work, was behind in the rent, didn't try to get a mortgage set up before the lease expired, so we moved to this trailer. That was Aug. 2007. Okay, the rent is cheaper, my nephew was living with us, supposedly helping out with the bills, I'm paying $350-$400 a month(actually about 1/2 of what the total should be) life goes on. In May, I find out we're $1200 behind in rent. I'm in shock, increase my share by $100 a month, paid directly to the landlady. Bro is handling the utilities, adding $100-$200 to the rent each month. We're getting caught up slow but sure, life goes on.
He gets laid off in mid-October, tells me it's going to be till the end of the month before he gets his unemployment started, can't pay the utilities, will have to catch them up later. Okay, things will be tight, but we'll be alright. He did some cash work for his boss, got his first check last week, says he's got to catch up some on the utilities, so won't have any to contribute to rent. Well, we'll be okay, we've made good progress, it'll just take longer to get up to date. We have a very nice landlady. He was complaining about the cable bill being so high. Our introductory rate had expired, it's jumped $25 a month. Okay, cancel cable, I'll find internet access on my own.
He's not cancelling it, it's getting shut off! I can't believe how naive I've been about things. How gullible and trusting, how stupid. What a fool! He didn't want to show me the cable bill, said it was in his room, he'd get it out later so I could see it. Hoping I'd forget to ask. Now, I'm not the type of person to snoop into other people's things, their mail, or whatever. But I was curious, the bills were right here on the kitchen table, so I looked. Not only has it gone up $25 a month, it's a month behind. So I continued to snoop. The electric bill is 3 months behind, the natural gas bill is 2. I'm angry!!!
More background-his take home pay was at least $1200 a month plus overtime. Mine $900-$1000. No credit cards, car payments, or loans for either one. I'm paying half of my monthly income in rent and storage unit. He isn't even paying a third of his. I'm more angry!!
I've gone without things, my car needs work, I've done everything I can to make this situation better. He's just skating...
This next part is hard for me to explain. Since my mother died when I was 12, I haven't really had anyone in my life I could depend on. My dad got remarried, his new family took priority, I moved out on my own. When I got married, I thought I'd be part of a family again-that didn't happen(a long story), when I came home I thought finally-family I can depend on. Wrong again.
Back to the decisions. I have to decide whether to just ride this out till the utilities get shut off, or we get the eviction notice, or cut my losses now. If I go now, it will be a real struggle financially for me. My options are limited. A motel room here in town that rents by the month, will let me make weekly payments(utilities included). $350 a month. Or a studio apartment that a friend has(about 20 miles away), that would be less expensive, but a little more driving to and from work. I haven't talked to her about it yet, I want to be more coherent in my thoughts and have my financial picture more in focus. That's about it. If I ride this out, it could be a couple months before things fall apart. I need to get my car fixed, and I could put a little money aside to be more prepared. But in the meantime, I could wake up one morning to no heat or lights.
Whenever it is that I tell Bro that I'm going to live by myself and that I can't worry about him anymore, there will be (guaranteed) a huge arguement, very ugly. He has a tendency to hold heavy grudges-for a very long time. He still trashes his ex-wife(6 years later) on a regular basis. Essentially, my family will decrease to one-Son-400 miles away. Aunt and Uncle, cousins, that aren't really all that close(family ties) but live nearby. I'll be alone, but this area is home, so I'll be staying around here.
Right now it hurts to think about this situation. So, I've been distracting myself with umpteen different projects and not using my time the way I should(packing up for the inevitable). I guess, by finally putting this into words here, I'm taking a step in the right direction. I need to sit down with pen and paper, get my thoughts organized, my things packed up and out to my(seperate) storage unit. I need to take the responsibility to do what I need to for myself. In a way, I'm as bad as he is...not facing things, just letting the situation slide.
But right now, it just hurts. I'm nervous about being out on my own, living alone, too.
Lordy girl, I am worried about you. The studio apt(even with gas prices) sounds good. I get creepy about motel living! I have never understood your brother- sorry no offense meant, but he isn't helping you- YOU have helped him! Praying for guidance for you. Love, Dannelle
ReplyDeleteBe still and listen to your heart. You WILL find your way. You will be in my thoughts and prayers
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you are in a tight spot. one other option is that YOU handle the bills. otherwise, I would move to the friend's apt. The motel room could do but around here, there is a lot of crime at extended stay places.
ReplyDeleteI have you in my prayers, sweetie!
Tina
I'm sorry to hear that your brother has put you into such a bind. It seems to me that you'd be better off on your own, where you can control your finances completely. Your bro isn't holding up his end of the bargain, and you've got to protect yourself first.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the others, the studio apt. sounds like your best bet.
Hang in there, hon, I know you'll be okay, and we'll all be thinking of you and praying for you!
Love, Beth
I would have to go my own way if that was happening. Where there's a will, there's a way. I wish you lots of luck.
ReplyDeleteIf it was one occasion ok...but hon, this isn't the first time this has happened with your brother and will not be the last. He has to learn to stand on his own. I think you will be better off on your own. Your a courageous person dear one, I know you can do this.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with everyone else..the studio apt. is the best option. I've done the hotel living and quite frankly it's not a stable living condition.
It hasn't been fair for a long time now, the amount of money you keep putting out to make up the difference. Now at least you can slowly put that money aside to help yourself, better your own life.
Your brother has no reason to be angry, he's taken advantage of you for far too long already. Your in my thoughts and prayers on the smoke dear friend. (Hugs)Indigo
Why do I get the feeling you're not mentioning a six-pack (more) your brother is finding the money for every night? (or marijuana)
ReplyDeleteIf I'm off base, I apologize. But his lack of maturity and irresponsibility and anger sounds very alcoholic, and your putting up with it for so long sounds very co-dependent.
I which case, Alanon would be a great place for you to discover
Honey, I wish I knew what to tell you. I think that I agree with Indigo. You have to look out for yourself. Your brother sounds as if he has his own issues but you can't be responsible for him. I don't know anything about your area, but you may be able to get some information on subsidized housing at a Social Services office. There are housing communities where the rent is based on your income. They are not all bad neighborhoods. I ahve an aunt who lives very comfortably in a one bedroom apartment that rents very inexpensively in a quiet little neighborhood that she really likes.
ReplyDeleteI will be thinking of you and wishing good thoughts for you.
Wow...that is really horrible. I think it sounds like the worst part of it all to you is being deceived and let down by your brother. It hurts, I know, but you have to do what is best for you. Muster all the strength you can, gather all your courage, and forge ahead. There is a light at the end of the tunnel--it's all of us, your blog friends, shining our flashlights to guide your way. We are your family. I will keep you in my prayers. And remember, when he argues, and decides to hold a grudge, that's his--he owns that. It is to manipulate you, to make you feel guilty. Don't let it work. Hold your head up, make the best decision for you, and go. It is sad, but it's his choice. You will be fine, and a stronger person for having survived it.
ReplyDeleteYou are going through a lot emotionally because of your housing situation with your brother, but there comes a time when you have to make the decision to do what is best for you dear and I think you are realizing that. The apartment sounds like the right move for you versus the motel dear. Just take it one day at a time and go from there. It will all work out. Allow yourself to meet new people who will hopefuly become your friends, substitue family and as time goes on you'll find the peace back in your heart and you'll be happier. Don't worry about your brother or what he thinks, he has to deal with his own situation, you need to take care of you first.
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