Reactions and Emotions

I was actually looking for puzzled in the moods box, but irritated is close enough.

I was in an "almost" car accident last night.  I'm okay and so is the car.  There's only a dirty spot on the bumper where the car and pick-up truck kind of gently slid together.

I'll explain.  I was following the truck into town, reducing speed to the posted 35 mph.  The truck put on his left turn signal and started to slow down and enter the turn lane.  Then suddenly he veered back into my lane and proceeded to turn to the right, into a side street and driveway for the drug store.  I hit the brakes and steered to the right to avoid him, but speed and distance being what they were, he cut me off and the front left bumper of my car kind of rubbed with the rear right panel of the truck.  I managed to stop and avoid a collision, he slid right on by and into the parking lot.  I sat there for a few seconds-one of the good things about small towns is the lack of traffic-then proceeded to pull around the corner and off to the side of the road to compose myself.  I was pretty shaken up. 

The guy that was driving the truck came over to the car, knocked on the window, adding to my already shaky condition, as I hadn't seen him.  He asked if I was alright and apologized profusely.  Several times.  Claimed he hadn't seen me in his rearview as I was in his blind spot.  Said he didn't think we'd made contact, glanced at my left front panel, and kept apologizing.  I just sat there.  I couldn't even talk to him.  Couldn't even look him in the eye.  No damage, no cops, no increase in insurance rates.  He finally left.

I sat there a couple minutes and proceeded down the side street to take the back way home.  Promptly made a pot of coffee and poured a shot of Southern Comfort into the first couple of cups.  And began to analyze my reactions to the whole situation. 

I was very Pissed.  The jerk was 'So' in the wrong.  But I was pissed at myself, too.  I had just sat there and held my anger, not expressed the way I felt, not given him a piece of my mind.  Why?  Why couldn't I even yell at someone who definitely deserved it? 

Fear.  Fear of being in the wrong, of losing my temper, of showing my true emotions to someone who didn't even matter in the grand scheme of my life.  Fear of confrontation. 

Logically, there wouldn't have been any point in exploding.  No one was hurt, no damage was done to either vehicle.  Other than him being an unobservant asshole, there just wasn't any point.  But I remember thinking to myself, while he stood there and apologized, just keep your cool, don't say anything you'll regret.  Just get him away from the car as quickly as possible.  Before you do say something. 

And now I'm ashamed to admit that I walk through life with so much fear of it.  Fear of rejection, of creating negative feelings, even from a total stranger.  I would rather just go through life as unobtrusively as possible,  just be an "extra" in the background.  I don't want attention focused on me, for any reason. Because of the fear of living life and expressing myself. 

I recently read an article in "Yoga Journal" about accepting responsibility for what you bring to each moment and the power of the truth.  I've got to go back and reread that article.  There's a message in there for me. 

I've also started reading "Wherever You Go There You Are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn.  Mindfulness meditation in everyday life.  I own this book, picked it up at the thrift store for a quarter.  It may be the best quarter I've ever spent.

In this cyber existence, I feel that I can be more myself.  The anonymity of online communication is perfect for me, I can be here-yet hide.  I can express things that I would never have the courage to say to someones face.  

Fear.  There will be more entries about fear in the days to come.  It plays a major role in my personal make-up. 

                                                                   <3

After Marc's comment, I need to add that I did let him know that I was okay, just shaken up, and did accept his first apology.  But after that, I just wanted him to go away.  I seem to have a "me and my actions and reactions" complex right now.  And honestly, I wasn't concerned about whether he was okay or not.  Something else to think about here.  Thanks, Marc.             <3