Monday, July 21, 2008

The First Step

    Would you take a walk with me?  It's a beautiful day and I've just discovered a path that I'd like to explore.  Of course, I could go alone, but I've walked alone for so long, and I'd like to share my discoveries with you.  Along this path there will be potholes that need filled and dark alleys to be explored.  There may even be some slippery hills where I'll slide back down and want to just give up trying to climb.  This may be one of the most important journeys of my life, and by sharing it with you, I won't have to walk it alone.

    This journal is about honesty.  About who I "really" am.  Things in my life haven't been going the way I had planned at all.  My hours at work are down to a little more than half.   The plans I had made, have been canceled.  My reactions to these problems echoed strongly of the way I felt when I thought the future was fairly hopeless, when I lived with a fairly dim view of a future of caring for a disabled husband with little hope of finding any enjoyment in life.  Emotions that I learned to hide, build walls around and pretend they weren't there. They are not how I want to live and who I want to be.

    I haven't written in a while, and a journal friend e-mailed, asking if I was okay.  No, not really.  That and the ensuing e-mails are what prompted me to truly think about myself, the deeper self and the person that I present to the world.  There are things about myself, that I've never revealed in my journal, things that I was(am) embarrassed to discuss.  Emotions that I've kept locked deep down.  It's become difficult to write about some of the things I want to, because I have to hide my true "self".  I couldn't express myself without saying "too much". 

    I know that other journalers struggle with similar issues about expressing themselves and I've commented many times, "It's your journal, write what you want/need to."  It's time for me to take my own advice.  Writing in a journal has always been freeing for me-except in mypublic journal, where I rephrased, omitted and edited, in an effort to present myself as someone who has got it together a whole lot more than I really do.  Time to be more open and honest about myself than I have been, using my writing here as a sort of clearinghouse of self-defeating emotions.  Wise advice from my friend was that I could talk with them, it was safe.  But that wouldn't put the public face to rest in favor of the real person inside.  Safe is what I've always sought, safety in hiding behind a partial picture of me.  I need to tear down the walls that I've built around my insecurities and low self-esteem, face myself honestly.  And in the process, express who I really am, because then I can write about whatever I'm feeling without editing out the true emotions.  Maybe by sharing these feelings, I'll realize that I can grow past them, heal myself by being who I am. 

   I've got a first honest confession to make here.  I am so nervous about doing this.  So afraid that others won't like the real me, will turn away and leave me where I've felt myself for a long time, alone with my sad thoughts.  Regardless of other's opinions, I am going to start examining my feelings here.  I have to find the respect for myself by not hiding behind a mask, as I learn to accept the imperfections for what they are, and not the worthlessness that I view them.  I have to LIKE myself as an evolving, changing, spiritual, human being.

    I promise that it'll be an interesting walk, as I don't even know what lies past the next curve.  Or for that matter, which turns and detours I may decide to take.  I do know that I'll be walking with my eyes, heart, and mind, open.

                                                                                                      <3

11 comments:

  1. Go for it! I love to walk and so do a lot of others. I know I feel the same way but can't please everyone so just let it out! Dannelle

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  2. I hope this is cathartic for you.  I'm too scared to look inside my own closet sometimes.

    Russ

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  3. I don't any words of wisdom, but I applaud you for taking that first step. I can't remember the title of the film, but I heard something in a movie when I was a teenager that has stayed with me all these years. Everyone has three secrets. The first one is the one that you only share with a close friend; the second one is the one that you share with no one except yourself; and the third one is the one that you can't even tell yourself.--Sheria

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  4. Goddess can I ever understand about facing and dealing with those things hidden..after all there's a reason they were hidden in the first place right?  why the hell would I want to face them? because things can't stay hidden all the time or forever ~ that is what growth is about.  ::grumble grumble:: (hearing in my head "but I don't WANNA!!!" then stomping off like a child deprived of a toy) that has been my own reaction to self examination at times  lol.  Hugz and Blessings hon** Teresa

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  5. "Walk"  :)  ... Welcome to J-land!!!!!!!!!!


    Sharon

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  6. I'm glad you are taking this step to uncover yourself and maybe discover more about who you really are.  If people have a problem with who you are then they don't have to stay, and they really aren't the kinda friend you want or need anyway.  I hope you and this journal do good.  Luv ya!

    Allison

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  7. looking forward to sharing this journey with you; I admire you for starting a journal like this to explore thoughts, feelings etc

    betty

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  8. We have to look beyond ourselves to see the reality of things.  But we can't do that until we look ourselves directly in the face and say "This is who I am."  It's tough for everyone who eventually finds the courage to do it.  The pot holes, slippery places and dangerous creatures hiding in the bushes are not as scary as they seem.  The journey is one step at a time and some of us are wlking with you, and some of us have made this journey before, and the destination is to find the joy in yourself.

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  9. You chose us all to share this path with you and follow we will. Don't worry about sharing your feelings, we are here to help you through it.
    Gaz xxxxxx

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  10. I think that this will be a very interesting journal, full of truth... and I am looking forward to it...

    be well,
    Dawn

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  11. Thank you for sharing, you may not ever truly know where or how but you have made someone think and you have made a difference

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