Finding Me

Your challenge, should you decide to accept it, is to learn how to be yourself. Be authentic.

There haven't been very many times in my life when I've been confident enough in myself to do this. I've spent so much of my life trying to be what others expected, and felt that I just didn't measure up, that I've lost my sense of true self. The search has been a difficult one.

Even now, when I'm single with no real responsibility for anyone else's well-being, I'm looking to others for my cues.

When I first moved back to Michigan, I had spent so many years alone-as in no real friendships or relationships with my husbands family or even my husband-that I was dying inside of loneliness. I thought I could find a way to be included, if I could just be what others were. That hasn't worked out so well.

I wanted to be part of the gang, included in things, conversations, plans. Yet, when I was included, it's like I wasn't really there, a peripheral part of the scene, an extra in a movie. Conversations would center around people and events that I had no knowledge of, so I couldn't participate.

My work schedule usually precluded me from being involved in holiday activites or parties, to the point that they(the people I'm surrounded by) don't even inform me of their plans anymore. The few times I've tried to make friends, asked someone to coffee or whatever, just haven't happened. I've just quit trying.

So, where do I go from here? If I don't fit in, and I have no one else's expectations to guide my behavior, what's left? Okay, I'm having trouble explaining this.

What does this have to do with being authentic? Well, I don't know who I'm supposed to be now.

This is one of those entries that I need to work on some more. I'm wearing out the backspace key, because things just aren't coming out to make much sense. I'm having a real problem expressing this in terms that don't just sound pathetic.

I will try this again at a later date, when I've scribbled and erased several pages of scattered thoughts into some sort of coherency. I just couldn't delete this-I wouldn't have an entry for today if I did.

~Namaste~

Confession.

There are days I just don't know what to talk about. This is one of them. And to be honest, I didn't take the time to prepare anything.

I've got some topic ideas for this blog, but I need to organize my thoughts, and make some notes, before I share. I feel like I've got homework.

All kidding aside, I think I'm going to enjoy the challenge of writing every day, and for me, it will be just that. I've got to develop the habit of working on fleshing out entries-oh oh, another habit to work on....

I just don't find my life all that interesting. Or maybe eventful would be a better description. I don't have a career that I can discuss, which also limits the people I can talk about. No kids at home to share anecdotes about. Son has even been kind of quiet lately, but I know he's in the final days of classes and has alot of work to do. No vacations, or boyfriends, or dramas unfolding...I don't know, that may be a good thing... I'm just pretty boring.

And that's where the challenge comes into play. How do I fill the page with the type of things that will peak a reader's curiosity to return...tune in tomorrow for the current bird sightings...

But in a way, those are the things that are most important to me. Living a quiet life that allows me to stand at a window and gaze at the antics of the birds, squirrels and chipmunks for a few minutes. Noticing that the lily-of-the-valley are finally starting to sprout, I can't wait to smell the delicate fragrance of those little bells. Hanging clothes out on the line, how blue the sky was today, and simple things that often escape notice.

At this point, even if no one came here to read, I've got to prove to myself that I can do this. Now that I'm 4 days in, I'm feeling pretty proud of myself for making it this far. And over the next 27 days, who knows what changes we'll see in my style, my thought processes, my skills at taking "not much" and turning it into an entry. It's early days, yet!

~Namaste~

A New Habit

No, not nuns habits, forming a better way of living your life, like exercising every day, or shaking the procrastination demon.

They-I don't remember who they are exactly-say that it takes 21 days to form a new habit. Changing the way you do something, or doing something new, so that it becomes a natural part of your routine.

I am trying to break my procrastination tendencies. Sending the storage payment before the last minute, leaving for work early enough so that when I get behind 30-mile-an-hour-granny it doesn't make me 5 minutes late. Which seems to be the norm for me. That 5 minutes.

Nope, don't tell me to set my clock ahead 5 minutes, I'll know and subtract that 5 minutes off the time shown-I've tried that. I really have to force myself to plan to be ready 5 minutes earlier. I have a bad habit of waiting till the last minute to make my lunch, or fix my to-go coffee, or find my shoes. Little things that create that 5 minute gap.

One of my problems is that I don't wear a watch(it gets in the way at work), and I'm not real swift at keeping an eye on the clock. Even when I'm working. I'll be doing something and look up and see that an hour has vanished, or I'm past sign out time.

Hmm...see what all I just wrote? This isn't "just" about procrastination, it's about awareness of time, too. Making this more complex. Would that be one habit or two? lol

Take last Wednesday for example. My Wednesday morning client is the only one I have that is a stickler about my being there on time. I did leave for work on time to drive the 20 minutes to arrive at 9am. Till I got up to the county truck that was working on road patching, so I slowed down for him. Thankfully! A couple hundred yards past him, while I was speeding back up, there were 3 deer. One crossing the road and 2 well off to my right side yet. I began to brake, watching the 2 off to the side. They weren't the problem, the one that was on the other side came back across and "bumped" my right front fender. She wasn't hurt, barely missed a step, didn't even leave a hair on my fender. I had to stop for a couple minutes and regain my composure. Poof-5 minutes late. I did call ahead to let them know I'd be a few minutes late, but that 5 minutes has become the bane of my existence!

I am now working on being on time, watching the clock closer, and not waiting for the last minute to do things like scrape the frost off my windshield-yeah, we had frost this morning.

I just hope that I don't have to start the 21 day countdown over every time I mess up-I'll never reach that new habit nirvana......

I think the procrastination is going to be a little tougher. I've penciled in deadlines for things a couple days ahead of time on my purse planner and the calendar in my room. I do consult these most everyday, so this should help. I carry a notepad around so that I can jot things down, like calling to schedule my TB test-but I haven't managed to get that in my calendar and the few times I've remembered it on my own are times the health dept. is closed. (I just now wrote it down for tomorrow morning)

I may have to add getting myself more organized to the time/procrastination habit situation, which just complicates things that much more. I think I'll just stop before I scare myself....

~Namaste~

Tick, Tick, Tick!

Nothing like waiting till the last minute. I had a fairly long entry planned for tonight, but have to retire early. I'll be up before the rooster for a 6:30am shift in the morning, and if I don't get at least 6 hours of sleep, I'm kind of cranky. So, I'm just going to wing it.

I had a discussion yesterday, that left me feeling a bit unsettled. This person I know is going through some tough medical issues. Facing possible dangerous surgery, but a good future if the treatments and surgery are successful. Has a friend that wants to develop a more serious romantic relationship. Is wanting to push this friend away, to avoid the friend from being hurt, should things take a turn for the worst. Asked my opinion. Wants my advice.

Wow, how do you respond to that? I know that the friend is well aware of all the medical issues, all the factors, the dangers of the surgery, possible disabilities. And wants to pursue a relationship anyway. I also know that the friend is a strong, logical, compassionate person.

Truthfully, this medical situation will, most likely, have a very positive outcome. I can understand wanting to spare someone from the pain and heartache of finding love and losing it too soon. But is it right to make that kind of decision for someone else? Is it selfish? Noble?

When I married my husband, I knew that he had Multiple Sclerosis. I did my homework, learned all I could about the disease, what the worst case scenario could be. I made the decision to commit to a very uncertain future. For love. I think that's why my opinion was requested.

The only advice I gave was to give it some more consideration. To talk openly and honestly about all the fears and doubts, before making any final decisions. Why do you want to go through this alone? Would having a relationship make a difference in your ability to continue to fight for life? If you reject this possible love, and things turn out for the best, what then? It'll be too late for this relationship.

It stirred up some painful memories and regrets for me. Brought some of my demons back to the forefront. I'll be doing battle with them again.

It's bedtime. Oh, and by the way, the ice cream is awesome-I love brown sugar.

~Namaste~

Day #1

I've noticed that in my life when things bother me, when I'm faced with some of my deeper feelings, I tend to stop writing, stop acknowledging those feelings on an outer level.

Taking up the challenge of writing a blog post every day for 30(31for May) days will grant me the opportunity to examine some of those issues here. Even in my paper journal, I manage to gloss over some of these feeling, just leaving them out, or hiding them from even myself.

When I first started this particular journal, this was my intention. To get some of those feelings out into the open. I haven't exactly been successful at doing that. In fact, I stopped writing here and in my other blog completely.

My paper journal has gaps in what is usually a daily habit of recording little odds and ends, events, or whatever. Having some of the deeper feelings leak out, when I wanted them tucked safely away in my deeper psyshe, lead to abandonment of writing about anything.

Lately, I've felt very inadequate-in many areas of my life. I've let procrastination, and an aversion of failure dominate my activities. If I don't try, I can't fail-right?

I've spent the last couple of months just marking time, wanting to begin projects, making plans for doing things, yet just not beginning. The disappointment and shame of this lack of motivation on my part has created a withdrawal from living life. I go out to work each day with a countdown in my head of how many hours till I can just return home-back to my safe little haven of not having to prove anything to anyone, least of all myself.

Watching the changes of the seasons, the beginnings of another spring, the greening and warming of the earth, has me yearning for the energy to move forward. With the months of cold and darkness finally behind me, it's time to shake off the lethargic hibernation and renew myself.

Committing to a daily journal entry or two, is one way for me to start looking closely at why I've allowed myself to stop believing in what I want. I have allowed myself to become complacent and accepting of having given up before the start.

The first day of the month is always a good starting point for new projects, the formation of new habits, the hope of beginnings. Today, being the first day of May, seems like the perfect day to commit myself to stepping out of my winter den of inactivity, of my hole of self-doubt.

I need to go for a walk. I've been putting off putting on my walking shoes and seeing how far I need to go to get myself back physically-I did spend the winter in self-indulgent eating and sitting. So I'm off for now. The fresh air may even blow some of the dust out of my brain cells-I've got alot of writing to do, ya know!

~Namaste~

Living in Passion

Passion.
Love.

I seem to lack the ability to foster either of those emotions. At least my idealized notion of what they would feel like/or be. Why?

Have I read too many romance novels? Have I created an unrealistic expectation for the intensity of emotion? Have I formed faulty impressions while watching a hockey game, or football game? Have I oversimplified the thought processes? Am I wrong about the motivation behind creating artworks of any form? About the desire to devote the majority of ones waking life to a singular activity, in all its intricacies and variables?

What inner spark drives the fan/aficionado/patron to follow? Knowing they lack the talent/skill to perform the music, place the defining brush stroke on the canvas, don the uniform, they still devote untold amounts of life energy to the appreciation of the passions of others.

What seed is planted and nurtured within, that flourishes and grows into a passion/love of any activity? Or person?

There are times when I question that ability. Knowing that the words on the pages are created to paint the picture of a fictionalized love-does that love, that desire, truly exist in that intensity? That totality of feeling, for whatever that passion exists for? That commitment of self?

The month of February has perennially been a time of introspection for me. It is what I've come to think of as a pause in forward movement for examining my life, playing the what-ifs that don't have a place in my reality. For questioning what I've done, felt, experienced.

February is the month that I was set adrift on the sea of living, without enough knowledge or skills to competently sail ahead.

In 1968, it was a month of tragedy for me. It was my first experience of fate's ability to change the game on a whim, to shake up the status quot. On February 9th, my 8 year old cousin Jeanne was crossing the road to wait for the school bus. She was hit by a car-killed instantly.

I remember the principle's secretary coming into my first period music class to fetch me to the office. My mother had been terminally ill with cancer, had come home to spend her final hours. My thoughts were that she had died after I'd kissed her good-bye and left for school.

The shock and grief that overwhelmed me when I learned of Jeanne's death, were only the beginning. One week later, on February 16th, my mother died. I was as prepared as a 12 year old living with a terminal parent, can be. I was basically left to deal with all of this by myself. I withdrew-my tiny boat had sailed.

I look on that month in that year, and wonder if the ability to love wholly, to believe in something totally, to live passionately, was left behind as unneeded, in my processes to survive, to simply get through life, never to be regained.

Is it at that point I gave away the right to deserve the best in life, to accept "less than" as my only option, to doubt that I was worthy of those emotions, that love, that passion for life?

I know that I've accepted that I've taken life's leftovers, the second or third best, as all I'm due. All I'm capable of finding. I've never really given up totally. Those dreams are tucked back in a corner of memory, to bring out, examine, feel a sense of loss over, and then quietly placed back in that corner, as the realities of my life intrude once again.

There are times however, when I glimpse that passion, that love of life, and feel just the tiniest bit envious.

Why not just change that attitude, that way of viewing life? I don't know how. I don't know how to believe in myself enough to see the other side, to reach forward to the other side of the fence. How, when I look in the mirror, to see something other(better) than what I already am. To imagine anything different. Even though I don't admire the face(or what lies beneath) that looks back at me, I can't reach for enough self-respect, self-caring, to do anything about it.

They say that having self-esteem, self-love, is essential, a prerequisite, before others can see you in that light, before you can truly love others, I imagine that applies to doing things, finding those passions in life.

Uncertainty...

Warning-the following entry may be long and ramble a bit, but I've been going through some things and just keeping them hidden, bottled up. I do that. But I have to start talking about them now.

There may be some major changes in my life soon. It has me worried, I'm so unsure of myself right now. My emotions have been all over the place lately, and I've got to get a handle on them. I have some huge decisions to make. Actually, I KNOW what my decisions have to be, but I dread the day I have to voice them. These decisions will, without a doubt, sever my relationship with my brother. But I will have to do this for myself.

Some quick background. When I came back to Michigan, after my husband died and the house was foreclosed(long before the housing mess now), the idea was that since my brother was divorced, I was widowed, we should share expenses, rent together. Okay, cool.

Things went well, we stayed with friends till I got on my feet, we found a house(with the option to buy) and stayed there for 2 years. He hurt his elbow, was off work, was behind in the rent, didn't try to get a mortgage set up before the lease expired, so we moved to this trailer. That was Aug. 2007. Okay, the rent is cheaper, my nephew was living with us, supposedly helping out with the bills, I'm paying $350-$400 a month(actually about 1/2 of what the total should be) life goes on. In May, I find out we're $1200 behind in rent. I'm in shock, increase my share by $100 a month, paid directly to the landlady. Bro is handling the utilities, adding $100-$200 to the rent each month. We're getting caught up slow but sure, life goes on.

He gets laid off in mid-October, tells me it's going to be till the end of the month before he gets his unemployment started, can't pay the utilities, will have to catch them up later. Okay, things will be tight, but we'll be alright. He did some cash work for his boss, got his first check last week, says he's got to catch up some on the utilities, so won't have any to contribute to rent. Well, we'll be okay, we've made good progress, it'll just take longer to get up to date. We have a very nice landlady. He was complaining about the cable bill being so high. Our introductory rate had expired, it's jumped $25 a month. Okay, cancel cable, I'll find internet access on my own.

He's not cancelling it, it's getting shut off! I can't believe how naive I've been about things. How gullible and trusting, how stupid. What a fool! He didn't want to show me the cable bill, said it was in his room, he'd get it out later so I could see it. Hoping I'd forget to ask. Now, I'm not the type of person to snoop into other people's things, their mail, or whatever. But I was curious, the bills were right here on the kitchen table, so I looked. Not only has it gone up $25 a month, it's a month behind. So I continued to snoop. The electric bill is 3 months behind, the natural gas bill is 2. I'm angry!!!

More background-his take home pay was at least $1200 a month plus overtime. Mine $900-$1000. No credit cards, car payments, or loans for either one. I'm paying half of my monthly income in rent and storage unit. He isn't even paying a third of his. I'm more angry!!

I've gone without things, my car needs work, I've done everything I can to make this situation better. He's just skating...

This next part is hard for me to explain. Since my mother died when I was 12, I haven't really had anyone in my life I could depend on. My dad got remarried, his new family took priority, I moved out on my own. When I got married, I thought I'd be part of a family again-that didn't happen(a long story), when I came home I thought finally-family I can depend on. Wrong again.

Back to the decisions. I have to decide whether to just ride this out till the utilities get shut off, or we get the eviction notice, or cut my losses now. If I go now, it will be a real struggle financially for me. My options are limited. A motel room here in town that rents by the month, will let me make weekly payments(utilities included). $350 a month. Or a studio apartment that a friend has(about 20 miles away), that would be less expensive, but a little more driving to and from work. I haven't talked to her about it yet, I want to be more coherent in my thoughts and have my financial picture more in focus. That's about it. If I ride this out, it could be a couple months before things fall apart. I need to get my car fixed, and I could put a little money aside to be more prepared. But in the meantime, I could wake up one morning to no heat or lights.

Whenever it is that I tell Bro that I'm going to live by myself and that I can't worry about him anymore, there will be (guaranteed) a huge arguement, very ugly. He has a tendency to hold heavy grudges-for a very long time. He still trashes his ex-wife(6 years later) on a regular basis. Essentially, my family will decrease to one-Son-400 miles away. Aunt and Uncle, cousins, that aren't really all that close(family ties) but live nearby. I'll be alone, but this area is home, so I'll be staying around here.

Right now it hurts to think about this situation. So, I've been distracting myself with umpteen different projects and not using my time the way I should(packing up for the inevitable). I guess, by finally putting this into words here, I'm taking a step in the right direction. I need to sit down with pen and paper, get my thoughts organized, my things packed up and out to my(seperate) storage unit. I need to take the responsibility to do what I need to for myself. In a way, I'm as bad as he is...not facing things, just letting the situation slide.

But right now, it just hurts. I'm nervous about being out on my own, living alone, too.