The First Step

    Would you take a walk with me?  It's a beautiful day and I've just discovered a path that I'd like to explore.  Of course, I could go alone, but I've walked alone for so long, and I'd like to share my discoveries with you.  Along this path there will be potholes that need filled and dark alleys to be explored.  There may even be some slippery hills where I'll slide back down and want to just give up trying to climb.  This may be one of the most important journeys of my life, and by sharing it with you, I won't have to walk it alone.

    This journal is about honesty.  About who I "really" am.  Things in my life haven't been going the way I had planned at all.  My hours at work are down to a little more than half.   The plans I had made, have been canceled.  My reactions to these problems echoed strongly of the way I felt when I thought the future was fairly hopeless, when I lived with a fairly dim view of a future of caring for a disabled husband with little hope of finding any enjoyment in life.  Emotions that I learned to hide, build walls around and pretend they weren't there. They are not how I want to live and who I want to be.

    I haven't written in a while, and a journal friend e-mailed, asking if I was okay.  No, not really.  That and the ensuing e-mails are what prompted me to truly think about myself, the deeper self and the person that I present to the world.  There are things about myself, that I've never revealed in my journal, things that I was(am) embarrassed to discuss.  Emotions that I've kept locked deep down.  It's become difficult to write about some of the things I want to, because I have to hide my true "self".  I couldn't express myself without saying "too much". 

    I know that other journalers struggle with similar issues about expressing themselves and I've commented many times, "It's your journal, write what you want/need to."  It's time for me to take my own advice.  Writing in a journal has always been freeing for me-except in mypublic journal, where I rephrased, omitted and edited, in an effort to present myself as someone who has got it together a whole lot more than I really do.  Time to be more open and honest about myself than I have been, using my writing here as a sort of clearinghouse of self-defeating emotions.  Wise advice from my friend was that I could talk with them, it was safe.  But that wouldn't put the public face to rest in favor of the real person inside.  Safe is what I've always sought, safety in hiding behind a partial picture of me.  I need to tear down the walls that I've built around my insecurities and low self-esteem, face myself honestly.  And in the process, express who I really am, because then I can write about whatever I'm feeling without editing out the true emotions.  Maybe by sharing these feelings, I'll realize that I can grow past them, heal myself by being who I am. 

   I've got a first honest confession to make here.  I am so nervous about doing this.  So afraid that others won't like the real me, will turn away and leave me where I've felt myself for a long time, alone with my sad thoughts.  Regardless of other's opinions, I am going to start examining my feelings here.  I have to find the respect for myself by not hiding behind a mask, as I learn to accept the imperfections for what they are, and not the worthlessness that I view them.  I have to LIKE myself as an evolving, changing, spiritual, human being.

    I promise that it'll be an interesting walk, as I don't even know what lies past the next curve.  Or for that matter, which turns and detours I may decide to take.  I do know that I'll be walking with my eyes, heart, and mind, open.

                                                                                                      <3